What is Superb: The Year that Was

I can't believe I am writing a year-ender again. Already. Last year I posted on my other blog that 2010 was the best year I had so far. And I say my wish was fulfilled and 2011 beat 2010--and it's amazing how each year keeps getting better.

But I should say that 2011 is not as kind as 2010 was--I had a good mix of ups and downs this year--and every 'down' leads to skyrocketing 'up' that I will always tell of.

I'll be spontaneous in writing this, so forgive me if they are a little too disorganized.

1. Alter Spaces, Jolly Towns: The Match Between Corporate Identity and Advergaming -- An undergraduate thesis by Karen Christine de la Cruz Moroño

Owned It!

Yeah I know, my thesis topic sucks and I am starting to regret it... but the process of writing it was so tedious and bloody, that time I never thought it does. This was the first real-life test I have gone through this year, and I'm so blessed I survived--even after doing my chapters four and five in just one freakin' night, crying in front of a receptionist to let me in on an interview, going through defense twice, not going home and staying all night in coffee/pastry shops and my good friend Angel's unit, not to mention not taking a bath on the day of my defense. Not even a change of clothes. Now you know.

But what matters is I defended it and the words came into my mouth with no effort. I am still amazed when I recollect. Luke 12:11-12 is true.

And your name is written at the end of my thesis acknowledgments. Wish granted.

2. I graduated.

BA Organizational Communication, Class of 2011 at the College of Arts and Sciences Recognition Program

University Graduation. Sa sobrang yaman namin, twice kami gumagraduate. LOL.

Kahit ang mahal ng sablay, OK lang. Kahit mahal yung damit, OK lang din. Kahit na nakasuot ako ng 5-inch heels habang nagmamartsa, ayos lang. Finally I gave something my parents can be proud of. Graduate na ang bunso nila sa UP. Even when they don't say it, I know they are proud. Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan. :)

And no, I don't intend to go abroad.

3. First time to go to the UP Fair.

Right after submitting a 28-page thesis proposal. Boo yah!

4. Spontaneous gala with best friend Maricar, Arvin, Ruth, Lal, Jhe and Chariot (Lal's Mitsubishi Space Wagon).

Dirty resteros = ♥

Making puslit in UST, Proofreading their thesis, Binondo food tripping, Bebe-you're-a-firework watching. These people were a breather during the thesis-writing stage of my life. I miss them a lot, actually. :)

5.  First time to write a song. And winning an award.

'Coz it's here that I found love...

6. Graduated the JIL G12 Encounter God Retreat and now attending the School of Leaders.

I don't have a photo of what we did so lemme just show you how happy my buddy Ruth and I were during the retreat.

7. Became a life group leader.

I may be acting on impulse at times and have fallen short of His glory, but still gave me this opportunity to disciple the youth. I am blessed. All glory to God.

8. MAROOOOOOOOOOOOON 5! *Le Gasp!!!!*

Iniyakan ko rin yung mga security sa SMX kasi ayaw nila ako papasukin dahil may dala akong SLR. And they said: "Bakit ka umiiyak?" to which I answered: "E nagsstart na kaya yung concert, demet!!!!"

So they let me in. Dun pa ko sa Gold tickets section dumaan, saw Adam Levine in flesh, and Chris Tiu afterwards. Life is good. And my tears are so powerful.

9. WESTLIFE. AFTER. TEN. FANGIRL. YEARS.

Read the blog post for the account. :)

10. The long and tiring road to getting a job.

Two months of clashing uncertainties and fresh grad idealism. No photo of bumhood because I was too busy sleeping.

11. Got a blood donor's card.

Yizzz, on my fourth blood donation!

12. Got a job at Alexander Mann Solutions, Global leaders of recruitment process (and I thought I'd avoid HR as much as I can because it isn't really my forte).

My AMS batchmates. Sadly, three of them aren't with the company anymore. Two out of those three are my team mates, BTW.

Let me tell how I landed this recruitment coordinator job. I originally applied for a copywriter role and reached until the final interview with a British dude but I lack one thing--experience. And then they saw my CV and found out that I was from recruitment during my internship and thought I'd be fit for the job.

Turned out, I was. Will tell more of that later.

13. Getting a job (your first job) can also mean ranting and finding out about yourself.

The past six months were the most challenging. I lost all three of my original team mates (resigned/fired) and I was the only one left standing. Good thing is, I now have new team mates that are twice the fun and energy!

When I say 'twice the energy', I mean it. Look at Abby taking a photo of us while I am sleeping.

That's Kane beside me. Dave is from another team (a good friend as well!)

14. Corporate Sleepover part 2--the real thing.

Worked for 18 freakin' hours (maybe more! I lost count) to take cover of three time zones. Slept in the office. Logged in on a Monday and went home on a Wednesday. Oh the things I never thought I could do.

(photo to follow).

15. Earning new friends.

With Kane, Christian, Ron, Dave, and Ella (my personal bully).

AMS Christmas party with basically the same people (minus Christian and Ron, plus Cole).

Photoboothing at the Christmas Party. With Rowel on the middle photo on the right.

16. Finally letting go of ones that are not actually the 'best'. Maybe not even a friend at all.

I tried hard for this, I held on and tried to reach out but she kept on bringing up the past and fishing for information on my future (that, to some extend, was sabotaged by her too). I just can't bear with it anymore so I had to let her go.

Sometimes, certain things happen for you to see who really are your friends. It's a good thing that 'that thing' for us came early on.

PS. Maricar is still my best friend. :)

17. Had the best birthday so far!

"HAAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY KCEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

'Twas the first time I was surprised at exactly 12MN, my first time with a job, and my first time at the new home. Spontaneous friends are spontaneous, so we had a drinking session at our place in Bulakan.

18. New Batcave

My family finally officially transferred to our new home in Bulakan, Bulacan. And just this month, I also moved out of my previous dormitory in Taft Avenue and am now staying in West of Ayala Condominium in Gil Puyat Avenue, Makati. My office friends tease me a lot about moving in to a royal-sounding and royal-looking condo... but whatever. I'm glad I found somewhere to live in that is only a walking distance to work. :)

19. I lost Zildjianne Pearl. :( But got a Galaxy Ace as a replacement!

I'll be buying a rebound iPod soon enough. But it can never replace you. I miss you, Zildj. :(

but got this as a replacement (temporarily). I love you Mom!

  

20. One of my proudest achievements of the year (aside from graduating): Alexander Mann Solutions' Global Contributor of the Quarter for Global Client Service Centres

Who would have thought that the 6-month contract I signed would end up like this? And who would have thought that a fresh graduate with a lack of professional experience will end up as one of the top performers--globally--in a recognized industy leader? God is simply good.

PS. I am now a regular employee and my contract served as my probationary period (which, one of my friends say bihira daw mangyari). I didn't even pass through the supposedly required revalida. All glory to the most high God!

***There isn't space anymore in the top 20 for you, and I know you don't need to--because you are not just a memory of 2011.

 You will be with me until next year. I still love you next year. And the next. And always know, that what I have made known to you still hold true until today. You are a wonderful person, and I believe in you. I always have.

Thank you for everything: for trusting me, for motivating me, and for making me laugh. This year has been rough and oftentimes awkward, but always know that I am always here. And I always love you, even without saying it.

I hope you will stay in my life next year--I am sure that I will be happy to say that I have known you before the world ends (if ever it is true). ♥

---
Hello God,

Thank you for a wonderful year. This year has been superb and thank you for your grace. 2011 molded me into a stronger person and let me do things I never thought I could, and they are all for Your glory. I could not thank you enough.

Please be with us and hold our hands as we walk through the next year. :)


Your daughter,
KC

Merry Christmas, Christian!

My line manager got a surprise from me, my team mates Kane and Abby, and another team leader Red while he is exploring the serene shores of Boracay. Because we are too stingy to buy gifts (LOL) and we are afraid that the leftover gift wrappers in the office will just go to waste, we wrapped some of his stuff with love and tried to surprise him by claiming it as our Christmas gift.

You know stuff like this happens only once so I had to take a video.

Note: Halfway through the wrapping, Kane and Abby stopped and turned it over to me--they suddenly became afraid because after all, they are still on their probationary period. Mahirap na. Hahaha!

Wag kang mag-alala, aayos din ang lahat...

Para tayong stairway to heaven: langit ka, lupa ako.

Pero kung si Jan Di at Jun Pyo nga nagkatuluyan eh.

Against all odds sina Via at Gabriel.

Ang bagoong at singkamas nagsasama din.

Pwede rin naman... diba?

Lamang pa nga ako dahil hindi mo naman kabarkada ang F4.

A Smartphone on a Pear Tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my mother gave to me: a smartphone on a pear tree... or a package from England. It's a joint birthday and Christmas gift (and I hinted before that I need/want a new phone) so she gave me this. An awesome phone from the awesomest mom in the world.

But what made me cry is this: enclosed in the package is a card with a poem. Thought it would be best to share it for everyone to know just how appreciative my mom is though I am quite far from the best daughter. Well, maybe for her I'm the best--because I'm the only daughter she has. Haha! Anyway, here goes:

What it Means to Have a Daughter Like You
If I could gather up
all the smiles, laughs, memories
and pride that you've
brought me through the years
and give them back to you,
I would.

Maybe that way you'd understand
just what it means to have a
daughter like you
and why you're one of the
most important things
in the world to me.

No one could ever
love a daughter
and believe in her
more deeply
than I love
and believe in you.

Just want to say, I look forward to birthdays and Christmases spent with my mom. Soon.

Hello again, God. Thank You for giving me an awesome mom and for bringing me into this world and to an awesome family. They may be crazy and we may sometimes clash, but You know I love them and I don't regret bearing their name. Thank you for Christmas as well. I'll never forget that this season is all about You and Your love. I love you! ♥

For the Hopeless Romantic in You

          

Admit it, He owned it like a boss. Congratulations, Tim and Audrey!

Greetings from AMS' intranet

I-screenshot na natin, baka di na maulit. LOL.

Thank you, Lord! This is all for Your glory.

Hello, God

I know You still remember the time that I posted this.

I know You hear my prayers every night that you keep him safe and provide him everything he needs. I know You know he is always--still--of my concern though I try to keep it to myself. I know You know that I am afraid that he would he make me feel that overwhelming indifference he had in my dream last night, if ever we see each other again.

I know You know how much I love him then--even before I wrote that blog post--and until now. You don't forget. You have granted all my prayers at the start of the year: even the ones that are nearly impossible--and more. You let me graduate, You made this year a life-changer for Dad, and You gave me undeserved grace at a company I never would have imagined I would work for.

But I know that even with all those, You can give me something more: My number one creative miracle. You still has his name written on the palm of Your hand as the creative miracle I held on to at the start of the year.

Lord, You know the fear that occupy the previously hollow space in my heart. You know that the thought of letting all of this go terrifies me. You know that I am afraid to let this all go to waste and I am afraid of the possibility that one day I will find out that everything I have done never really worked. I am afraid that the letters I wrote--all 200 and still counting of them--will never be read of their intended recipient. I am afraid that the love story I have always prayed for will just end with a blur.

Father, I know that you didn't put this desire in my heart for nothing. I know that You are the one that led me to where I am now--and God, I pray that in the future I can say that You are the one that led us to each other.

Lord, please let me sleep with a peaceful heart tonight. And please grant me the assurance that everything will be alright in the end.

I Received a Note from my Boss's Boss and This is What it Says

Cannot afford to lose the trust of my boss's boss just like that. So I sent a sorry note.

She replied:

Hi KC--hope all is well. Thank you for your note. I know how very diligent you are and the pride you take in your work. It must have just been an off day!! (we all have one of those occasionally :) )


Stay well!

Life's still good after all.

.

.

.

.

Story of my life.

RB's response on my Previous Post

Ganyan naman daw talaga pag nareregular. Parang initiation rites ba.

Yes, I'm Hardcore Like That

Normally, a contractual employee's job would be terminated on the day stated on the papers s/he signed. In my case, it would be on the sixth month. I started on the 21st of June, and my contract was supposed to end on the 21st of this month. But today, the 14th of December, the universe conspired and I broke the rule--I signed a new contract that makes me a permanent employee.

Yes, I'm hardcore like that because my God is awesome like that.

I didn't undergo the typical probationary period that temp-to-perm employees would normally undergo, in the case of my other officemates, an additional 3 months. And I signed my regularization contract even BEFORE MY FREAKIN' REVALIDA.

When my revalida is supposed to be the measurement of what I have done for the company and what I could still offer (still have to do it fo'sho though).

Today I also got my health card, which means I now have the liberty to get sick. Been holding that back for too long now. Kidding.

Yay?

 

 

Why, this is too much awesome in a day that the universe should have a counter-attack. On the day that I signed my regularization papers, I got a sh/tload of escalations. Which made me think that they are thinking that the regularization isn't worth it after all.

My boss says that sh/t happens, and this is one of those sh/t days. But this is just too much. I can't use my global employee of the quarter reputation for this--that reputation in fact makes it harder. That award, and all of the expectations that come along with it made this job harder. This day, my 99% accuracy is now a little less than 99%.

And damn, my real life in this job is only getting started.

This could have been one of those good days but it wasn't. Funny how such failures can ruin a supposedly great day. Or even a week, maybe.

At least the countdown for the 12 days of Christmas is already on it's way.

Patty: "HBD"--Channel ba yun sa TV? Haha. Para iilang letters lang ang "happy birthday" paiikliin pa.
Migs: Happy birthday ba ibig sabihin nun? akala ko "Hi Baby Doll" man!

HAHAHA Migs! Made my night! :))

OK. Enough. Must do my presentation for my upcoming revalida. Revalida! Onwards to regularization! OOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Dito na lang ako sisigaw.

HANGGWAPOMOSYEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!!

Background song: Shot through the heart, and you're to blame... ♫ habang nagcocollapse ako sa kilig.

Partida mo na wala ka pang ginagawa nyan, nagpost ka lang ng bagong photo nagkaganito nako. Hayop ka talaga. Nakakainis na.

End of story.

This is a Lengthy Post that Took so Much of Me to Write

December 10 of last year broke my hard badly that until now, I can't talk about it without getting all choked up.

But since I'm writing about this, I'll try my best not to cry. You won't know if I do anyway. I already wrote about this last night, but I want to put it up here on my blog so that I'll have something to look back in the future. Maybe then, I can laugh about this. Or just to even be indifferent as you are today.

Dear (your name here),

I can still remember this day last year as if it was only yesterday. December 10, 2010, the day my heart was shattered.

Everything is still clear to me. I can still tell of that story part by part, I can still remember every bit of that conversation that forever changed the course of everything between us.

I can still remember that I only intend to initiate a friendly conversation, to catch up on what has been happening to you. I asked you something--a question related to the world we once shared--because that's the only common ground we have that I can still try to explore.

You made a joke--at least that's what I think--and right then I knew that you enjoy talking to me. You just don't know how much I enjoy talking to you too. Then I asked you how things are going on in your life.

That's when you asked that question.

At first I was shocked, elated maybe, that you finally opened up a possibility of talking about something like that. Then you told me who the lucky girl is...

And it wasn't me.

I wanted to leave that conversation right then and there, but I did not. I was too shocked to even hit the exit button of that chatbox. That moment, I was too numb of any emotion. I knew that I have to cry but I cannot.

I knew that it's all over but my heart would like to believe that they're just getting started.

Sh/t, sobrang sakit ng conversation na yun, na pag naaalala ko di ko mapigilang umiyak ulit. Even after a year.

I knew that entertaining your questions would just hurt me more. I knew that being your love doctor would just kill me slowly from all the pain that you will give every time you would tell me how things are going on with her.

But I also knew that it's the only way I can get close to you. Even if it means listening to you as you talk about her.

I remember that I asked you: "Pero gusto mo talaga sya?" to which you answered: "Oo. Hindi ako makatulog kakaisip sa kanya."

And you don't even have an idea na hindi rin ako makatulog kakaisip sayo at sa paggawa ng mga sulat na hindi mo pa rin nababasa hanggang ngayon.

Until this day I still regret having said "If you think she's worth the risk, go." Until now I still think of what could have happened had I said something else. Until now I still think of what could have been if I said I love you all along, on that fateful night.

The moment our conversation ended, I broke down. Hard. With no one to talk to. I tried convincing myself that it's over, that things would end just like that, that you and I would never happen. But I knew that this is not over and I'm willing to endure the pain until the end.

I fell asleep crying. I woke up the next day with hopes that the previous night is just a nightmare that I can simply run away from. But I opened my laptop and saw our conversation history.

Sh/t, totoo nga.

I was so depressed that I have no appetite for anything. Everything I hear makes me want to cry. I abhorred love songs. I even cried during recitation on my commstrat class. F/ck, my mind wasn't on anything I did that day.

I told my friend Aira about it. It was so bad that I cried even before pouring out the whole story that she ended up crying too. Look what you've done, you ass.

After the night of December 10, I could have just given you up. I could have just said to myself that this will never work out and I would only end up getting hurt. I could have just told myself that what I have seen in the movies aren't real, that true love f/ckin hurts.

But I'm still here. Even until now. Even after a year.

Why?

Because I know that the're something more to this. That even if it f/ckin hurts, I should not give you up. That this could still work out if only I'll be a little more patient. That true love exists and I found it in you, and this is not quite the ending of the love story I have always prayed for.

I know there's something more in you.

Please let me feel it before it's too late.

I love you,

KC

KC the Drunk(en) Master V1.0 and (probably) Never Again

December 10 would always be an unforgettable day. This year, it was the first time I got drunk.

Drunk enough to not walk straight to my condo unit.

Even too drunk to not make it to the bathroom and puke on my shoe instead. And a Mercury Drug plastic bag (the one for meds, not the sando bag) the next morning.

And way too drunk to experience the allergies I have with alcohol even until now that I write this.

And drank too much to discover an allergy for alcohol that I never would have realized I have.

That's what I get for the heartbreak I still remember from a year ago.

Oh yeah.

Thanks to my awesome friends Cole, Ron, and Ella. And to Central Taft for that hell-in-the-stomach called "Badtrip". Badtrip talaga. Traydor pa.

This Might be Immortalized in a Yearbook Like Yeah

A Writeup I have prepared for my good friend Francess Anne Yangyang:

“Hello Karen!”

Out of nowhere, a random schoolmate posted a Friendster testimonial on my profile that started a wonderful friendship. I used to stalk her profile once in a while, but I never thought of approaching her—she seemed suplada based on her profile photo. However, I knew that she was a PolSci freshie from the same batch as mine. Her name was Francess Anne Yangyang.

Soon enough I realized she wasn’t suplada at all. We instantly became online buddies, and yes, we already knew about each other’s crushes even before we talk to each other in person! That’s how close we have become—and how easy it is for Francess (or Faye My Labs as I call her) to be a friend and confidante. Maybe it has something to do with our language game, our boyish sides, the fact that love gets us all weak in the knees, and the occasional not-so-green jokes. Mehehehe.

Faye is that friend that is sweet enough to accompany you to the mall even on a late notice, who would play arcade games with you, and would even adjust to your schedule just because she values time spent with someone she cares for. She remains rational when you are not, and becomes all hyped up when you also are. I am confident enough to say that she is the one I would want to be part of my wedding entourage, my daughter’s godmother, and the one I’d play poker on the porch with when I grow old. Faye is the friend you would not want to let go.

Though Friendster is long gone, it has given me something that would last forever—a friendship with one of the awesome-est people in the world. :)

Akala mo lang wala akong pakialam sa'yo, pero meron. Sobra-sobra pa nga na effort akong tiisin ka para di ako magmukhang makulit at naghahabol sayo, lalo na ngayong alam mo naman na mahal (pa rin) kita.

Pero sa totoo lang gabi-gabi hinihintay pa rin kitang mag-online kahit na alam kong di mo naman ako kakausapin, para lang malaman ko na safe kang nakauwi. Chinecheck ko kung may bago kang status update; baka sakaling mangyari sayo yung biglaang epiphany na nangyari sa aking noong nagtapat akong mahal kita at makita ko na lang na nagstat update ka na na mahal mo rin ako. Hindi mo alam to, malamang, at pati ako naccreepyhan din minsan sa sarili ko dahil chinecheck ko palagi yung relationship status mo at natatakot na bigla ko na lang makitang in a relationship ka na isang araw na hindi pangalan ko ang nakadugtong.

Pasensya na kung creepy ha. Ito lang kasi ang kaya kong gawin--sa ngayon--para makibahagi sa mundo mo.

Still Short of 100%

"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."

"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"

"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west. 

--Excerpt from Haruki Murakami

On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning (1981)

***

An April morning changed my life forever as well. A sunny April morning in 2010.

I saw him and I knew that he is going to be special. And he is--a month after that fateful day, I knew he is that boy I have pictured in my dreams. My 100% perfect boy. Every time I play those memories in my head, I am amazed at how they remain crystal clear to me: that salute in lieu of a first hello, that smile and a slight raise of an eyebrow, his scent and the feel of his fingers as he playfully hold my wrist.

I couldn't have been happier. It was all so perfect and too soon. Amidst those perfect moments and every possibility of what could have been, that tiny, tiny sliver of doubt set in: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

Would it be possible to meet the 100% perfect boy in a span of five weeks?

I let that pinch of doubt take over. Maybe if he really is, he will make a way for us to be together. After all, he is the one I have pictured in my dreams. Soon before I knew it, fate took a power trip on the path that we could have--should have--been walking together. Things became complicated.

All because I--we--became unsure.

Now all I have is the memory of that kiss before we separated from each other.

I wish I could really have done that. I wish I could have told him that I love him even then, and until now. I wish I did not let anyone tear us apart, that made us end up with a random, lifeless goodbye as we pass by each other at a fire exit.

I wish I could put a happy ending to this story now. I wish I could write something more, like, we meet again after a year and are still falling madly in love with each other despite the distance. That after meeting again we never let each other go, that we have now realized that we are the 100% of each other. I wish I could tell you that he is beside me as I write this, gently whispering that he'll never let anything--or anyone--separate us again.

But I can't. Because I let go of my 100% boy just like that.

And until now I don't know if he'd still come back.

Wish upon my favorite Star

 "Then I might be something like a moon using the light of a star like you."

"But a moon is not completely useless. No matter how many other stars there are at night. the only thing I see is the moon."

"Hyung-nim, I can only see one special star right now."

"What? You said there were a lot of stars."

"There are, but only one star is twinkling so handsomely. I can only see that star."

"There is a star like that?"

"Yes, it is a star that many people love. Do you think it would be wrong for me to be one of the many people that like that star?"

"Do you really need permission to like something like that? Ask the star. I'm sure you can see it."

"Yes, I am looking at the star. Would it be okay to like it?"

--Mi Nam and Tae Kyung, He's Beautiful (2008)

Yes, I am looking at the star. Would it be okay to like it?

Earlier my officemates (Ron, Cole, and Ella) and I went to Ayala Triangle Gardens to watch the Christmas lights show. Being the starry-eyed, easily-amused-by-all-things-shiny-shimmery-splendid whatever person that I am, I was amazed with this wonderfilled show of lights. For the next 10 minutes I was either saying "aaaah..." or trying to control my jaw from completely dropping.

At times like this I remember one of my life's simple wishes that only Ninin knows (I told her one time when we were walking along the Triangle). And because you, guest, have been interested enough to read this post until this point, I will let you in a secret. This wish involves three things (at least):

1. Ayala Triangle Garden's superb lights. Or any other lights display. Or maybe fireworks. But my bucket list specifically mention the Ayala Triangle lights (We can always bend the rules)

2. Yiruma's "Moonlight", starting 2:05

and, most importantly,

3. You. ♥
My You, the one I have always been referring to.

I won't say it directly. Go figure. ;) 

That's it. I just decided to post this wish so that I'll be able to look back at it in this blog when the time comes that it had already come true. That's why I wish upon my favorite star, hoping that someday I'll be able to touch you with my own hands. ★

One down on my bucket list

A YouTube top comment on a top video.

And not just any other video, but an Oasis video. Life is good so let's Slide Away!

Boss: O bakit ang aga mo pumasok? 10 ka pa diba?
KC: Nagising kasi ako tas di na ko makatulog ulit kaya pumasok na lang ako... Ang boring pala ng buhay ko.
Boss: Yung mga boring na ganyan yumayaman at the age of 25. I used to be f*cking boring.
KC: Gusto ko lang naman ipambili ng PSP yung OT pay ko.

You Might Think I don't Look, But I do.

To tell you the truth, I listen to this song at times that I feel uncertain. About how I feel for you, whether I did the right thing of telling you (twice) that I care, and where I stand in your life.

And now I am listening to it more and more. To convince myself that you care for me too.

You used this song as your reply when I confessed how I feel for you. And until now, when I listen to this song I pay a special attention to these lines:

You might think I don't look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true

Listening to those words somehow takes all the uncertainty away. I know you meant it for me. I just know you did.

You might think that I don't know and I didn't get a clue, but I did. All those hints that you dropped through random conversations, song lyrics, and profile updates, I know you meant them all.

And I know you've been able to feel this much for me.

But there were also times that I felt uncertain--those times when you probably thought I joke around and treat you like a guy friend, telling you how you should go for her... as I secretly cry at the other end of your IM chatbox for not being that girl you tell me you are thinking of.

But I also knew that girl was a joke. It just seemed so real it hurt like heck.

You might be afraid that if you tell me that you've been fooling me around all this time, you might lose me forever. Love, I have always known. And I let it happen, because I love you so much that letting myself wrap around your finger is the closest I can get to you...

...Even when that means treating me like a yo-yo-- holding me close one moment, letting me go, and pulling me back to you again.

Forgive me, love, that I am not able to let you feel how much I still care for you. I'm just gathering my confidence that you trampled upon--twice. I still love you. I always have. I have just grown tired and afraid. Maybe I'd just want to care for you in silence until you realize that you also--still--feel the same way about me, and are afraid to let me go just as I am about you.

I miss you so much. I look at your photos everyday, wondering what will happen if I ever see you again. You should also know that one of my greatest fears is forgetting the sound of your voice, and slowly it's creeping in; your voice that you sang Bon Jovi's Always to me with, that you used in asking me those pretending-to-be-clueless questions... your voice that was once the soundtrack of my summer... now getting lost in a distant memory.

Heck, I just want to tell you again and again that I love you so much. I love you so much and I am willing to let you feel it everyday. If only you'd let me.

And until now I still hope that those words you took from this song's lyrics and made your own--stand true until today.

A Lot of Ones

Last week, Banchetto Megatent released this material on the internet to celebrate 11:11 of 11.11.11, or the "ultimate wish", as some people say. Because I was smitten by the movie Tangled, I scampered for someone to go with me. Being the best (I mean best) friend that she is, Maricar agreed to go with me, along with her boyfriend Arvin, and high school friends Paul and Sarah.

"Flower gleam and glow..."

My shift ends at 9PM, so they decided to go to Banchetto at 8 and just wait for me there. We already knew that the sky lantern event is cancelled and we would just go there to get some food and catch up on things (though it's roughly a week since we were last together). We just never thought that there would be still be a lot of people at the venue.

Now I should make an important note here: My phone's battery is empty and I forgot to tell them to wait for me at the entrance.

And so I didn't know that they left Banchetto early because they were so badtrip of all the people and the smoke coming from kebab and isaw grills. Because I didn't know, I circled the venue for 5 freakin' times to say the least, hoping to come across them. I was wearing uncomfortable shoes during the whole time.

It was so hot, and the volume of people is not making my futile search any easier. After two hours, I finally gave up. I decided to get some food, which is not exactly what I wanted.

I was sitting on the sidewalk, alone. Eating the food I didn't really want.

And I didn't realize that 11:11 of 11.11.11 is already over. It was already morning.

I walked outside and searched for a place to stay until I've decided what to do. I sat on the concrete steps outside a Mini Stop.

My energy is running out. And I don't know how to go home.

This is the worst night of my life. It's even worse than the night of December 10 last year and UST's Paskuhan combined. (Edit: Nothing can ever be worse than the night of December 10).

I can't even remember a day before this that I've felt more miserable and alone.

Then I saw something on the horizon:

Because my phone is dead and I haven't got a photo...

Apparently the sky lanterns weren't hindered by the cancellation of the event. The people went some other place and lit their lanterns together.

And I cried. I still got what I originally wanted!

And after crying, I thought that this beautiful sight would be better if I get something to drink. I was welcomed with a sign on the Mini Stop door that says that all drinks are sold out but that didn't stop me. I got a vodka mudshake (I feel so badass) and continued to marvel at the sight of the lanterns floating in the sky.

God must love me so much.

I may have considered that night to be the worst night of my life, but those things happened for me to appreciate the good things even more.

In this life, I may be going through a lot of bad things that make me lose hope that there is something good in store for me. There may be false promises and broken dreams, but in the end, the sky lanterns will rise and take all the bad experiences away.

And as a Coldplay song plays in the background, these lights will guide me home...

Remember, Remember, the fifth of November

I used to dislike my birth date. For one, the day is a single-digit number and I don't know whether to put a zero before it when I write autographs. Second, I never liked the number five because of its association with the riddle "lumipad si Superman, nalaglag si Batman, nabuntis si Darna." Heck. Nabuntis si Darna?

But then I realized I was one of the privileged few to have a nursery rhyme written about their birthday, as well as to have a movie that revolves around it. Wow, thank you Guy Fawkes.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

So where the heck am I going with this?

Nothing. I just want to bring up the obvious fact that I just celebrated my birthday. My 21st. And I remember that last year, I wrote this. I was emo and bored and was into my sembreak and I have nothing else to do but to wallow in despair and self-pity on my birthday. So I just delved into the fact that my wish for my 19th is still my wish for my 20th and cried at 2-effin'-AM.

Now that I just celebrated my 21st you might (or might not) ask whether my birthday wish last year came true. Well I am happy to inform you that it did. Someone waited for the clock to strike 12MN and wish me a happy birthday. And not just someone, but an entire team.

Not just someone, but an entire team of night shift people!

And with a cake, too!

Happy birthday surprise!

God, thank you for bringing me to Alexander Mann Solutions the Global RPO leader yahahaha I just have to say that :P I feel so loved. And to think that I have spent just five months in this company as I write this, they already know how to touch my heart and welcome me as part of the family.

After my happy birthday surprise from the AMS people, I went home to Bulacan, hoping to celebrate with family and get some sleep. I didn't get some sleep yet I celebrated with family--and more! My high school friends (especially my best friend Maricar and good friends Lei and Nero) helped me with an all-of-a-sudden text brigade to ALL OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BATCHMATES (only!). All-of-a-sudden was all of a sudden, but a lot of them came. Check the photos out for yourselves:

She's not my BFF. She's my F... my Forever. Aw!

"Buti pa yung biglaang pagyayaya, natutuloy!"

I love these people to bits. :)

This is definitely the best birthday I had so far! my first with a full-time job, at the new home. First time to receive a surprise as soon as the clock struck 12. And first time to have my high school barkada at a drinking session (Red Horse for them, A&W root beer for me) at my place. And I don't care if I stayed up for a straight 32 hours.

Told you I don't drink alcohol...

A lot of firsts. I may not get what I wished for last year, but heck, this is alottafan! For this year I realized that happiness should not depend on a single person--a lot of people could make you happy (even make you cry out of sheer happiness!) if only you'd be appreciative enough.

And I also got a great birthday gift from God. For everyone's knowledge, Karen Christine de la Cruz Moroño is Alexander Mann Solutions' Global Contributor/Inspirational Employee of the Quarter (Q3 2011), beating other tenured employees from all over the world (hence the word "global". Kamon!)

...That she had nothing to do but cry.

Are you guys serious?! This is my first quarter and you gave me this!

Not that I'm giving up on my wish (in its third straight year!) but I am slowly learning how to be happy and live life as I wait for him. :)

Cheers to the days to your 22nd, KC! I love you! ♥

Coz It's 3AM and I Must Be Lonely

You know what, it's okay for you--us--you--to take it slow right now. Think and prepare for (y)our future, and though we're not together (yet), rest assured that I am thinking of it (even A LOT at times). Do everything you can to get to your dreams. Be who you want to be.

You know I've always believed in all that you could ever be--I've told you that a lot of times before--and that'll never change. And never, never ever believe me when I say I'm giving up on you. I say that a lot but you know that I don't give up on something I really love. There are just times that I get emotional out of the blue and cry out of nowhere--I'm a girl, for crying out loud.

It's unbelievable how I have the guts to write something like this when I am not even sure how you feel about me. I don't know, but maybe that's what all this is all about. Every blog post is a leap of faith, just knowing that in time, we'll read these again with smiles on our faces.

You know, it's perfectly okay for me to wait for you. Just because I know that the short span of time I'll spend in waiting is equivalent to a lifetime spent with you.

Fridays are made more awesome, thanks to these guys. ♥

Thanks Eric (the one who actually called for this one!), Mina (the one who GM-ed this one), Pam, Anne, Sandz and Patti. 'Til next Friday and I love you and the whole batch to bits. ♥

Wasaque Wednesdays

I miss you.

I know I have said this a lot of times before. I miss you. I actually have told you this, albeit indirectly, but I guess you didn't believe me. I miss you so much. I do.

You know that my thoughts have always been with you since that fateful day I realized I like you, one month after we met. Even during all those nights I got through without talking to you or asking if you're okay, you should know you never left my mind. You're with me even in my dreams.

You should know how hard I tried to forget you and act like you're nothing to me, just as how you act as I am nothing to you. I tried so hard to let this go, thinking that this may be just another one of those shallow feelings I acted so fast upon, that this could be a one-sided summer fling. I tried.

For a while I was slowly moving on. I started not to care about you, even stopped writing those letters that I started on the day we last saw each other. But during that time, I never felt the happiness I did the moment we exchanged virtual messages again--when you first started to share with me your dream of becoming a lawyer.
And from there, I thought that this was--is--it, that thing called love that will still come back even after you tried so hard to shake it off. Soon after, I realized that it didn't leave me at all.

You should know that as I type this, I am crying for reasons even I can't exactly point out. A part of me regrets having told you how much I love you--if only I had known you wouldn't believe me. A part of me misses you so much that all I want right now is to see you, hear your voice, and if I am lucky enough, maybe even hug you and know, just for once, where I stand in your life. A part of me is scared that if I start thinking rationally, I should also let go of this. Of you.

My entirety loves you so much it breaks my heart to realize I can't do anything to let you feel it because you won't let me. And you should know that even the thought of meeting someone else scares me. Forgive me for being stubborn.

Until now I try to believe this is nothing. That nothing ever existed between you and me. That it is only I who ever really loved, and I only misinterpreted all those nice and twitterpating things you did to me.

...Like how everything formed in a span of 200 hours of internship.
...And the fact that you stayed even beyond those hours.
...And how you did for me the things I told you to do to that girl.
...And how you're still there even after the confession I made.
...And how you prayed with me and for me at times I need it the most.
...And how you believed in me during the time that I lost all confidence in myself.

But I also find myself hoping that what my friend said is true: "Either the feelings are too weak to be confessed or he is too weak to confess them."

I know you'll be strong enough someday. Or those feelings you have for me would. Until then, trust me that I'll be waiting. All I need is your assurance that you'll be there. And when that time comes, please say that there has been no one else.

I love you.
Forever. Always.