Truth is, I don't want you to go.

Those words, for me, were the most painful. It showed me how high my hopes are. And how much I wanted it to happen. The words I said were the words I truly regret. If only I could take those words back, I would.

I didn't realize what I have done until the tears came. And then I realized I just made the biggest mistake.

If I fooled you into thinking that I am strong, that I am happy, and I only see you as a friend, I am sorry. Truth is, you are everything that I ever wanted.

Please forgive me for lying. Just tell me that you won't go and I promise that it would be my last lie to you.

If I took you for granted,

I apologize for acting tough

You're my reason for living

and there's no way I'm giving up...

Maroon 5 - Back at your Door

Bonding experiences: What happened during random times of those days

Halfway done with my practicum folder (oh yeah), This is how I ended my (nostalgic) weekly log:

What made my internship the best summer ever is because of the people I spent it with during this relatively short span of time. They were not just co-interns that I met in the internship program that I forget after it's over, they were—are—friends that I have bonded with during idle times of the day, and continue to be my Facebook buddies.

Sometimes we would just sit in the department’s library and bash each other’s universities without being offensive (at times, yeah),

Not to mention browsing shoe magazines with sexy models

talk about any topic we could find, listen to our favorite songs, take pictures, 

It was campaign season, so...

comment on application forms and essays,

Hello, None =))

and draw doodles on used test papers.

"Left-handed people are good artists." You decide.

Sometimes we would be energetic and crazy enough as to push each other’s seats around the office,

(...or use the self-timer for crazy photos,)

play with random stuff found in the drawers, and wave hello at the surveillance cameras. :)

Swivel chair wheels and pen toppers. Cool.

Sometimes we would get serious enough to talk about Sikolohiyang Pilipino and the need for every social sciences scholar to have knowledge of it. 

(no photo available for this, we got carried away.)

Working with them has always been fun and intellectually stimulating, be it thinking about a rebuttal or the joke’s punch line. Along with the people in the department that patiently worked with us (especially Ms Julie, Ms Cristy, and Ms Cheng), Jen, Kim, Tammie, Xy, Kimmi, Claire, Francis, and Kevin made this whole rollercoaster ride called “practicum” the best I could ever have.

Seriously, I posted this because I miss you, guys. :)

"Lawyered!"

It has been a week since I exchanged chat messages with a friend whom I haven't spoken to in quite a long time. He said he would take the lawyer's path after graduation. Good thing he didn't ask about my plans because seriously, I have never been more confused with regard to things I'd do next.

I considered entering law school at one point in my life. It was when I was watching Justice, the American TV show that features four lawyers defending clients involved in controversial cases. I love how they deal with the press. Then my brother and I would talk about building a law firm and posting Notary Public outside the door (this thought was brought about us getting tired of having my STFAP application verified by some "lawyer"). I don't really know what happened to the thoughts of law school, whether it was buried under the deep pits of low self-esteem, or thoughts of getting an MA (on some degree I also haven't thought of as I type this) instead, or thoughts of working right away to own a car and other material possessions, or simple loss of love for studying--again.

Today my classmates took the UP Law Aptitude Exam. I can hear my 16-year old self, full of dreams and high hopes speaking: "You should have taken it!"

  

I did not. I am trying to justify the reason that taking the LAE was too expensive. But then again, wasn't the UPCAT fee I paid four years ago expensive as well?

Maybe the words "I am trying to justify the reason..." that I used two sentences ago was indeed a sign that I should have done it.

Well, there are still other good law schools around. Maybe I would take a shot on one of them, just so I can prove myself that I can still take risks. Now thinking of it, the sound of me shouting "Lawyered!" during random conversations with a pretentiously intellectual friend (like what Marshal does to Barney in How I met Your Mother) sounds pretty good. ;)

PS. I'm sorry, this is just me thinking so aloud that I posted it on the web.

Because Everyone's GM-ing their Wishlists...

Here's mine ;)

--Swiss army knife

--Parker pen

--Fountain pen

--Staedtler Fineliners

--Whiteboard and marker

--Trina Paulus's Hope for the Flowers

--2011 planner (not necessarily a hilariously expensive one like Belle de Jour or Starbucks). Basta malaki yung space na susulatan at pwedeng maging scrapbook-ish yung dating (dahil malamang na pagdidikitan ko na naman sya ng receipts and stuff)

--Black Fedora (hindi kasi sa akin yung suot ko sa creative shot ko hahaha)

--Statistician na tutulong sa thesis =))))))

--Anything Spider-man

--DQ ice cream cake (don't worry share tayo. :P)

--Justice (TV Series) DVD, yung may law firm na TNT&G. Isang season lang sya with 13 episodes. Good luck sa paghahanap. :))

--iPod Touch 3g jelly case

PS.You can always choose more than one. ;)

PPS. Marami na akong mugs. hihihi :D

PPPS. If you think there'd be something that would make me EXTREMELY happy kahit na wala sya sa list, go for it. You know me ;)

PPPPS. Pero wala pa ring tatalo sa prayers at pagmamahal at hugs :D

Birthdays give us license to write something pa-deep

I am 20 years and 2 hours old as I type this. Birthday greetings on Facebook flooded my wall as soon as the clock struck 12 (some are even earlier, ehem, Earl) and, boy, I couldn't be more thankful. As I convert gratitude into a comment, I remembered my birthday wish last year...

...and how it still remains as my birthday wish this year.

Sure it breaks my heart to have an unanswered birthday wish, and it sucks not to have someone who purposely waited for the clock to strike 12 and call to greet me a happy birthday. It's somehow sad that with all those greetings coming from friends and family, I am still looking for a simple greeting from the man that will indeed put the "happy" in "happy birthday". It's sad that in the two decades, I haven't experienced being made special--yet.

Don't get me wrong, I very deeply appreciate every text message, every wall post, every "happy birthday" that is directed to me. I just hate myself that I can't be contented with what I have been given. I hope that as this day proceeds (It's 2am and I haven't slept yet), I will learn many things, God's--and experience's-- gift to me.

Friends, family, and ministry that I run out of adjectives describing, material things I wish for, and a Dean's Lister GWA (only now have I realized the Lord's favor in my studies never left me since we prayed for it last year. I was a College Scholar/Dean's Lister 3y2s, and now, I am also a CS given that I will get a passing grade on my thesis subject). Indeed, birthday wishes last year came true, only in other aspects.

If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. --Habakkuk 2:3

Happy Birthday, Kicci-yo. Cheer up!

Who said thinking of "K" things is easy?

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name: Karen
2. A four letter word: Kite
3. A boy's name: Kevin
4. A girl's name: Kristine
5. An occupation: King
6. Color: Khaki
7. Something you wear: Kicks
8. Food: Kentucky Fried Chicken
9. Something in the bathroom: Kleenex Tissues
11. A reason for being late: Keys locked in car
12. Something you shout: "KA-CHING!" :))
13. A movie title: (The) Karate Kid
14. Something you drink: Kool Aid
15. A musical group: Kjwan!
16. An animal: Koala
17. A street name: Katipunan
18. A type of car: Kia
19. A song title: Keys Kiss Me

Walt Disney Said,

But what if it is a dream that depends on another person to come true?

Why Tears Fall

There are times when you are left alone, stuck in between hope and reality, forgotten promises and longstanding dreams, an established relationship and an almost nonexistent one. These are times that pretending things are normal is hard, and being tough is tough.

These are times that you just want to ask why this happens when it has no reason to.

I have wept three times for the past 24 hours. With every tear is a meaning: those were tears for relationships you wish would go back to what used to be. Those were tears that were encouraged by a friend that knows what you are going through. Those were tears for promises that were made seven years ago but still not forgotten.

Those tears were manifestations of everything I stored up inside. Those tears recognize the fact that everything’s not okay and I know it. Those tears were for the awkward feeling of not catching up.

I’m sorry.

Falling Even More In Love With TIU ♥

Not so long ago, the closest I can get to my ultimate crush Chris Tiu is this:

And the best photo I can get of him is this:

And I only see him here:

Or the best way to talk to him is through this:

And the best way to show my love and support for him is by shouting: “Number 17! I Love you!” while watching an Ateneo (Or Smart Gilas) game.

But friends, believe me when I say that dreams indeed do come true. ;)

This was the only time that I have been really thankful for a project. Last Monday, we interviewed Chris—yes, THE Christopher John Alandy-Dy Tiu that I have been crushing on since high school. Thanks to my beloved group mate Zid Santos who spilled his guts out and approached Chris at an Ateneo game. :)

He was already there when we got to Discovery Suites in Ortigas. We were late for about fifteen minutes but heck; he was so kind and even asked kung na-traffic kami. He even treated us to pizza! I was so kilig when he handed me the bread he was eating and said: “KC, try mo ‘tong bread. Masarap yung dip.” And smiled. Then I died. And yes, we are on a first name basis. Haha.

He was funny and bubbly during the interview. I thought masstarstruck ako pag nakita ko sya (yes, na-starstruck ako. It’s THE ultimate crush, for crying out loud!), pero he treated us as friends kaya nakakagaan ng loob. I liked Chris even before I met him. Now that I met him, I like him even more. Hwahahaha.

And now, the best photo I can get of him is something like this:

 

And the closest I can get to my ultimate crush Chris Tiu is this:

Thanks, Chris. You’re the best. Number 17, I love you! :)

Awe-suuuuuum!

Title says everything.

I am tired of writing things like this

He said: “What’s yours, is yours”

But am I not the one?

Am I not considered yours?

Those lines sent me crying to the floor…

What we had (or what I felt we had) is over, and done.

Long done.

Since the end

Of the best summer I ever had.

These letters I write will never be read

There are more than a hundred of them,

All ending with “yours”, “always”,

“Forever and a day”…

Now that forever has an end.

It’s crazy how I waited for the pain before I surrender.

Lucky girl, for she will experience

All I had for dreams:

Listening to your rants

Of lost games and other things;

Sitting beside you as you play the piano,

Letting you meet my parents,

And brother, and Lola,

And cousins—who know you

Through all those lovestruck stories I shared;

Knowing your mom,

And being next to her in your heart,

Trying my best to meet her expectations

And taking care of you in the best way I can;

Writing you love notes every day,

And fixing your tie;

Holding your hand as we dance,

Having your last name,

And the privilege to say: “I love you till I die.”

Oh how I want to.

What saddens me is not that I lost you,

Or the happy feeling four months ago.

I cry, because I cannot do these things

For the awesome person you are.

I believe you deserve this more than anyone else.

I loved you. Love you.

What used to be forever

…Will remain just the same.

****

Almost.

So long, beloved.

You are now someone else’s,

But still my dearest.