I have come to realize that no matter how much you love your company and the people in it, you will still grow tired and yearn for your first love.

I have also come to realize my fear of being stuck with what I have now and not being able to marry my passion. I fear making decisions that I will regret forever.

So earlier I made a lockscreen photo:

Pardon the expletive, that is just to emphasize the intensity of my desire for what I really wanted to do.

Writing, Music, and the so-called "financially unstable path" I'll get back to you. And we will prove them wrong.

I am starting to forget bits and pieces of you and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

The other day I was talking to my cousin about you and I was surprised that there are some anecdotes about you and me that I can't remember in detail anymore. I forgot how old are your sisters, and the reason why I remember you when I hear Aaron Carter's "I'm All About You".

Maybe I am finally starting to forget you and I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that no matter how hard I try to guard these memories, they will still be taken away from me. I am still not ready to let go of the things I knew and loved about you. I don't think I'll ever be ready to let go of the way you touched my hair, or the way you smiled at me, or the way you made me laugh.

This is one of the most painful things that I have come to realize so far--that there will come a time that I will forget the sound of your voice, and heaven knows that that is one of my greatest fears. Right now I just know that it's a bit low pitched, and I can still play it on my mind but it sounds like a cassette player running out of battery. Does it sound a bit like Benedict Cumberbatch's? It is a bit low-pitched but it's not that low... Or is it?

I hope I can write an optimistic ending but with each passing day my memories of you are slowly being replaced by the things I pretend to make me completely happy, when in truth I am tired of being alone. I miss you so much that it hurts so bad. I miss you so much and I feel so stupid because no matter how hard I tried to say it, the message never seems to get to you. People close to me see that my heart is steady, but only two of them* know that I still hurt so bad that I can't sleep properly. Right now I am torn between what I feel and all the shit you did to me. I am afraid to forget the things that made me love you, but I am also afraid of being treated like crap again. I don't know what is more painful: enduring the way you make me feel stupid every time I try to tell you how I feel about you, or forgetting the sound of your voice along with all the reasons why I loved this very person that treats me as trash right now.

I am not sure if you will get to read this, but I hope you do. John Kevin Charles Pastor, I really hope you could remind me of the sound of your voice again.

*those two being my Lola A and cousin Racquel