I may not remember when this was shot, but it doesn't mean it can't tell of a good story

I can hardly remember what part of the song this was.

But I can tell you this: I spent an entire week of struggling with my inner demon before this photo was shot.

My heart just wasn't in it. I lost all love for the ministry He has given me.

I lost the choreography I have prepared as the chorus plays. I tried to recall and do things on my own. I lost hope. I wanted to quit.

Then Someone held my hand, lifted my face, and danced with me. His presence was overwhelming that tears started to fall down on my face as my heart dances with His.

I was reminded that I was never alone. He was there, from the first beat of the intro to the last part of the choreo.

My Master Choreographer. My One and Only Audience.

He dared me to move. I did. And I couldn't be happier that I have done so.

The best dance for the Most High God. Soli Deo Gloria. ♥

I am using my so-called billable hours writing this blog post instead of doing something that would be beneficial to the organization I work for. That is exactly the reason why I am writing this blog post.

I've been into this company for three months already. In those three months I feel like I've aged twice, both mentally and physically, what now with these pimples on my forehead and veins on my hands that weren't existent at the start of the year. I've gained some, lost much, and am trying to evaluate what I have retained.

In three months.

This job is slowly killing every aspect of my life. Facebook is the only social life I have now. I spend half of a day at the office and the other half sleeping. As in wala na talaga akong buhay. My body clock is busted. Minsan tumatawa ako na "good morning" ang bati sa akin ng guards, yun pala morning na talaga. My brain cells are slowly being depleted. My sanity is being washed away. Buti pa yung Smurfs sa Smurfs' Village account ko, may variety sa work. Nakakasawa. Luwas on Mondays. Office. Uwi sa Dorm. Tulog. Gising. Gayak. Office. Next day. Uwi sa Dorm. Tulog. Repeat til fade.

Hindi ko alam kung nag-iinarte lang ako ngayon kasi first job ko to (technically) at lahat ng trabaho sa big, bad, and all things evil na corporate world e ganito naman talaga lalo na pag entry level.

Pero masama ba kung ikasasakit ng loob kong alienated ako sa trabaho ko? Tipong 'di ko talaga alam kung ano ang ginagawa ko dito. Kung may pakinabang ba talaga ako. Or if I am getting my education's worth. Or even my worth as a mortal.

Pero hindi ko na kasi alam kung ano dapat kong maramdaman e. Sa sobrang dami ng gusto kong ibulalas di ko na alam kung saan ko sisimulan. Kung magagalit ako, hindi ko alam kung kanino. Kanina umiyak ako ng todo, pero hindi ko ma-pinpoint kung bakit.


Pagod na ako. Gusto ko ng variety. Gusto ko ng something new. Out of the ordinary. Gusto kong mamundok, pumunta sa lugar na walang internet access at signal. Gusto kong madampian ng hangin ang mukha ko. Yung tipo ng lugar na naiimagine mo kapag recollection nung grade school. Gusto kong pumunta sa ganoong lugar. Kahit three days lang. Wala na akong pakialam sa sweldo. O kahit sa trabaho mismo.

Shet nasabi ko yon.

If there's something those three months taught me, it's the realization that there IS something worse than a heartbreak.

At the very least, you know why you cry during a heartbreak. Should there be blame, it's either you or the other party (hence, 'it's not you, it's me'). You know you're not the only person who got hurt. You know that crying over such an issue is not a silly thing to do because every person experienced that too at some point in their lives.

Most importantly, when your heart is broken, you know that at one point, that love was all you ever wanted. For that you were ready to risk anything, even the fact that it's possible for you to experience heartbreak in the future.

A heartbreak indicates that you felt like flying some time in the past. You were happy. You have been happy. Maybe even while you are mending a broken heart, you are still happy, happy that you got to experience all those things that only loving can make you feel.

This one's different. Entirely different. For one, this job requires kissing corporate asses for someone to get to the top. And fly, maybe.

Go ahead, put yourself in my geddemfrustrated shoes.

Then walk a mile in this job and you'll know what I mean.

A friend and I talking after the dance ministry evaluation:

Friend: Grabe, ang dami kong adlib kanina sa sayaw ko!
Me: Haha! Ako, hindi nag-adlib... natulala na lang.
D (butts into the conversation): O? Hindi ko naman napansin. :)

My 2009 self would have been so happy she'll write a lengthy blog post about this and even ponder deeply on what he said for days.

Drafted Back in the Days When I do not Have the Courage

Originally written and saved as draft on February 9, 2011.

While I was writing my related literature about advertising, I saw this poster. I love this ad, and it managed to transform the bankrupt Avis into a profitable company in a span of one year. One advantage of being an alternative is that you always have a chance to prove that you are better than what is considered the best.

I am always the second choice

So why go with me?

Because I try so hard to be next to your heart.

(I know I don’t stand a chance, but I just have to.)

I just can’t afford to not pay attention to you. Or to see you sad. Or stressed. Or broken. Or depressed. Or resist you when you seek my help. Or not pray for you every night. Or be anything less that you deserve, as a friend, when in fact I can be more.

Obviously the thing I try hardest for is just to be nice even when it hurts. To share, say, a funny Youtube video that I know you would laugh hard at.

Why?

Because I can’t afford to take you for granted.

Stay with me.

I'll even let you have both earphones.

Take Me Back to the Days When my Dreams are Worth Chasing

I had a dream that I was on my way to board a train then someone asked me where I am going. I answered, "Back to the days when all my dreams are worth chasing."

And then I woke up, still having that line from my alter-universe self stuck in my head. After a what-the-heck moment (thinking how in the world will the LRT possibly do time travel), I wondered what it means. Was it a God-given movie tagline? A random set of words arranged by my subconscious to form a phrase? Or an implication of something I have been longing for but do not really admit?

Earlier I read a tweet from my friend Rhea saying that she needs inspiration for her to continue writing. I replied, telling her that I'll be reading until the last chapter of her ongoing novel and will be one of the firsts to get a copy once it is published. I did not say this only to make her feel good--I am serious (check out her page and see for yourself how good she is at playing with words!) She replied, and I quote:

Awww.. Now you made me cry. For real. I'll dedicate the book to you. I promise. =') If it never gets published, I'll give you an electronic copy with a letter. =') Hehe. You'll see a page that's solely for you soon. Thanks for all the encouragements. I feel so blessed with you around. =)

Those last two sentences warmed my heart. I just encouraged someone. And someone feels blessed with me around. God, thank you for using me a lot to encourage people lately. I realized it feels good to be encouraged, but even better when you're the one who pursued someone into taking one more step towards what he or she wants.

Take me back to the days when all my dreams are worth chasing...

Like Rhea, I wanted to be a writer. I just don't know how to start. It's just that things do not always go as planned, or so I think, that eventually led me into a recruitment job instead. After that dream, I contemplated: When do dreams become unworthy of chasing?

They don't. That's what I have realized today from my friend Rhea and my alter-universe self. My friend, who I encouraged, reminded me of a forgotten dream as well. We stop pursuing dreams when we lose confidence in ourselves, but they will always be worthy of the effort to get there. And if I want to be in those days when all my dreams are worth chasing, I don't have anywhere to go but right where I am right now.

The dreams I have are for me. I just stopped chasing them because I thought they are not worthy. They are.

And I am worthy of these dreams too.

THW destroy KC's Perception of Unconditional Love

"It's like you're jumping off a cliff blindfolded without any idea what spot are you landing on!"
"Well, it is. But that split-second joy of flying is enough to justify the fall, regardless of the landing spot."

Behold, the only rebuttal I have made during a conversation/debate with my friend Diane. We had dinner earlier and were at the parking lot behind our building when I told her something about love. Conversations like this are normal with her--especially at times when we are high on sugar or when she is breathing on cigarette smoke and I on secondhand. Well, most of the ideas come from her. The girl is a champion debater back in college.

"From what I see, your perception of love is too ideal," She said while lighting her third stick of Marlboro Black. "I believe there's no such thing as unconditional love. Si God lang ang may kaya nun".

I fell silent, contemplating on what I thought as unconditional love. She's right.

"The mere fact that you are waiting on someone means that your love is conditional. You are expecting something from that person. And you'll give up once you get tired of that love being unrequited", she said, taking another drag. "If you think your love unconditionally, or can wait for a long time, it's either you are deranged or obsessed."

If you notice, I haven't said anything. I just nodded the whole time. Conversations with Diane are always like this, actually. She went on, presenting three arguments to me. Three arguments about my perception of love. God, thank you for giving me rational friends.

I stood there, just saying"Ang galing mo talaga Nins!" for the Nth time. She even rationalized why I behave this way. And she's right. The conversation went on.

"It's like you're jumping off a cliff blindfolded without any idea what spot are you landing on!"
"Well, it is. But that split-second joy of flying is enough to justify the fall, regardless of the landing spot."

And I thought, is it really worth it?

"Think of where you want to land, KC."
"Uhh... In his arms, teh."

I just don't know what else to say. That's where I really want to fall into.

But now, I just don't know where I stand and when to jump so that I am sure to land on them. Well, figuratively at least.

As for the verdict on the motion, my head is too cluttered to think right now. TBA.

What Could Have Hurt The Most

Today, D went from being "single" to being "in a relationship" on Facebook. Yes, D. D of the legendary "D Chronicles" I have crazily and devotedly written more or less two years ago (I do not keep track of the past anymore, yes), that I have grouped into a separate label for reminiscing purposes.

If this change of relationship status happened two years ago, I would have been wailing like crazy as I type this. It would have hurt so much that I'd cry until my ears burst and my eyes swell. Instead I am typing this while listening to my good vibes playlist and smiling at how they finally made it almost official.

They. D and the girl I have been blogging about before. Apparently it was true, and being the silent guy D is, most of us weren't sure of the real score. Until this.



Sorry guys, you can't get too much information from the photo. HAHAHA. But yes, his name's supposed to go there, his nakakakilig na display photo should be there, and the girl is supposed to be one of those others that liked that change of relationship status.

And I was one that liked that change of relationship status as well. Sincerely liked. I couldn't be any more happier for him than now, and I am serious.

Just let me tell you why his display photo is nakakakilig: It is a sketch of a drummer girl. D and the blessed girl to have his heart are both drummers. The girl posted on his wall saying "o ano yang PP na yan?" and he answered: "ang daming drummer sa mundo, pero isa lang ang nagpakabog". (oops, I just gave out too much information).

Now let me just smile because of some genuine kilig for the guy I liked before and the blessed girl to have his heart, even though it isn't me.

Had this happened two years ago, I would have cried buckets. Maybe too much that I couldn't go to school the next day. But it's just amazing at how God perfectly make the pieces fit, and how his fingerprints led me to where I am right now in my life's favorite aspect: love.

D never knew that I liked him. He was unaware of how many blog posts, poems, and vandalisms on library desks and armchairs were written for him. He never knew that he taught me how true love should be. He never knew that he changed me for the better and made me realize a lot of things as God prepares me for someone better. D made a greater impact in my life than he could ever imagine. He never knew anything, and I intend to let it stay that way.

But for everything, I am grateful to him at how my life was changed just because of his existence.

And I am more thankful to God for preparing me for that someone better, and for leading me to the love I have now even though things are uncertain--beautifully uncertain. Everything is just so... amazing. And I know, someday, like D, I'm going to change that relationship status as well. For good. :)

"It's you that can make me do things I never thought I could--or would--like skipping, humming and dancing like crazy out of happiness I cannot contain. Or cry for twelve hours straight yet still be able to write a daily letter that tells how much you mean to me. It's you. It has always been you.

And I know you already know this, but I just want to tell you that I love you. Always have, always will. Forever and a day."

"I choose not to forget..."

"...You know that I'd find a way to you no matter what. Always remember that.

If I get the chance, I relive the moments of you and I. Those sweet smiles, those songs, those little moments of silence that I love. I enjoy remembering those moments because in them, you seem so real and you remind me of how much I am loved."

I wrote this last year, 28th of July to be exact, on a letter addressed to you. I read it recently and it made me cry. Nothing was known between us back then and yet I was so sure. I was. One year hence and we are still here, with me having a little less certainty on what I am feeling and more uncertainty on what I thought you feel for me.

I was so sure. We didn't say anything, you didn't do anything then... We weren't talking, yet I was so sure.

I still hope these letters will reach their addressee someday. Soon.


"The absence of medium of expressing how much I love you, the distance, and the hindrances of making these feelings known does not mean that I love you less. I love you more each day. I love you more. And I choose not to forget."

Still true until this day. And onwards. I love you.

What I have learned from the 40-day iPod abstinence

There is always that one thing that you would really want that you would be ready to give up something you cannot live without. At 6, maybe you’ve traded your best Barbie doll for a Polly Pocket; at 16, it may be leaving your hometown to enter your dream university; at 20, risking anything to get that dream job. This is what I learned after I gave up my iPod for 40 days for that one thing.

You might think that this would not be much of a sacrifice for a normal person, but in that case, I am far from normal. I value music more than I value texting. I get the need to throw up every time I travel without a headset. I can’t focus on work without music. Music is my pacifier and my iPod is my security blanket. It has even come to the point that I have to balance my internship, traveling back and forth to Bulacan, and a part-time job just so I can purchase an iPod.

But then again, there is that one thing that I would be more than willing to sacrifice that iPod for.

Setting the Rules
The best sacrifices are the ones that hurt. Like what King David said in 2 Samuel 24:24, I would not offer the Lord sacrifices that cost me nothing. On June 1, 2011, after being convicted by the words said by Aaron, I set rules upon myself that at first look seemed impossible to accomplish:

(1) Do not use the music function of the iPod.
(2) Not being grounded from using the video function of the iPod does not mean you can watch music videos for a music fix. You can’t.
(3) The iPod can only be used for notes and the applications installed in it.
(4) Your headset is only good for watching movies from your laptop. No listening to music from your laptop.
(5) No YouTube as alternative for a music fix.
(6) No Radio as alternative for a music fix.

Yes, it was hard. It was even harder than when I lost my first iPod because I had the radio and my PC as substitute back then. But this time I tried to cut off all possible connections between me and music.

The First Week
Getting the first week done wasn’t as hard as it seemed for me. I was still unemployed during the first week of the 40-day iPod abstinence, so I had all the time to do other things aside from sound tripping. I finished watching How I met Your Mother Seasons 2 and 3 and watched a lot of movies instead. I wrote a lot of letters and prayed that this newly-started challenge for myself will be successful.

Mid-Challenge
I have learned that what they say is true; you would never know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I work—work!—without music to calm me down when I feel agitated. I traveled the busy streets of Metro Manila and battled waiting hours during traffic jams without music to comfort me. Add to that the jeepney driver’s radio that doesn’t really help—they were always playing jeje songs that I would never learn to love. It was the first time I got a Last Song Syndrome from a radio station jingle. It was excruciating.

I have also realized the power of music that I tend to ignore before. Sometimes music loses its effect when it comes from my iPod because I can just skip it whenever I want to, but not when a replica of my playlist comes from the bus driver’s boom box. The feeling of joy upon realizing that a bus driver can listen to such cool songs, and the feeling of sadness upon hearing the intro of “I Miss You” made me cry (yes, I’m on a public vehicle). It was epic.

I have also realized one more thing: maybe the reason why our ears cannot be shut is for us to appreciate things even when our eyes are closed.

Final Stretch
There are a lot of things that you can appreciate more without a headset that interferes. Like the rooster that wakes me up in the morning, a joke, or the ding-dong of the elevator that signifies that I have already arrived at my destination. I have also realized that sometimes, silence is so much better than music. Silence can trigger a lot of emotions and realizations more than a song can. Silence can even make you cry—I did, a lot of times.

But it all arrives to one big realization, and here’s mine: I did the 40-day iPod abstinence because I know God is able to do things I can’t; and this is my way of telling God that I’m willing to sacrifice for a single move of His mighty hand. I know this is not much compared to what others do, but I sure felt the pain that came along with this.

Yes, because in this life, there is always that one thing—or person that is far more important than the music I’ve always loved.