April 16, 2009. The third month of the realization that I like you. Been in paranoia for a while, wondering why you seem to ignore me and other stuff like that. For the past three months I’ve been through a lot of kilig moments, sighs, staring into space moments, smiling to myself moments and other weird moments you can think of that someone who is in love goes through.
The third month came so sudden. Parang kelan lang hindi ka pa importante sa’kin. But now, a smile from you can make my day.
The last sentence is actually an understatement. A smile from you can actually make a whole week. Or a month, perhaps. So it surprised me very much when you actually came up to us today in an attempt for a chat. And you seem to care for us when you asked us if we have eaten. Yes, We. Us. Not exactly a good reason for me to become extremely happy, but still… you care. Aww. And I think you are trying to be funny, which I think was not really successful, but I appreciate the effort you made. Hehe. :D
That moment, for me, was an answered prayer.ü Shallow much? Say whatever you want, but I like you so much that I pray even for moments that would allow us to talk.
I am going on the fourth month of praying for you, D. I just hope the best things are yet to come.ü
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
My feelings are overflowing, so bad I want to scream and tell the whole world, though I know they would not care. AAARGH. And because I know I cant, I’ll just vent out all these feelings and scream… figuratively.
Whenever I see you, I don’t really freakin’ know what to do. My head spins, my vision blurs, leaving me with only you to see. Your beautiful face, your mesmerizing lips, your every move, your… yes, your everything. Everything about you is wonderful. And then because I don’t want to look at you because you overwhelm me, I would look somewhere else, somewhere within the depths of my blurred vision. I am afraid you might see this certain glow in my eyes that only you can cause. Oh yes, you can make these freakin’ eyes sparkle. It’s magic only you can do.
I am trying so hard to look at you and give you a smile, like the way we used to do before I had these feelings for you. Remember when you used to give me that “oh-nandyan-ka-pala” look, and then I’ll respond with my “nangaasar-ka-ba?” look? I want to be the old me, back in the days when I don’t really admit to myself that I like you. But, geez, I never thought it would be this hard.
I don’t want to waste the chance! I know this is the moment I have been praying for… that God give us instances where we could talk, or just have a simple “hi there”, or just smile at each other. Much as I’d hate to say it, the chances were wasted, thanks to my confidence which left me suddenly. And since when did it require A LOT of confidence just to smile at a person? The answer is: it’s when you get weak just with the thought of that person’s smile.
Okay now, first attempt. I am supposed to pass by you. I am afraid to pass in front of you directly, so I chose to take the more complicated way, going through microphone wires and all. Chance wasted.
Second attempt. I passed by you because I realized how hard it could be to pass through speaker wires. As I pass by you, I looked away, afraid to be melted by your eyes. Chance wasted.
Third attempt. I looked at you; you were too busy with the drums. Chance wasted.
Fourth attempt. I passed by you. I looked at you. I am ready to smile. For a split second, our eyes met. You looked away. :(
Fifth attempt. I am hoping to look at you and smile. You are standing with your back turned away from us. I know it takes a lot of courage to smile at you, and more to tap your shoulder and say hello. So again, chance wasted.
Sixth attempt. You were again busy with the drums. I do not want to disturb you with the thing you love the most so… I just looked at the ceiling as I walk.
Seventh (and last) attempt. I looked at you. I did not take my eyes off of you. I just waited for you to look at me. And then… you fixed your drumsticks. :(
How I wish I could look at you like before. Back to those times that I can look like a freak in front of you, and you can smile and ask me: “Bakit ka nakangiti? Oh my, just remembering those times make me smile like crazy. How I wish we could do it again. :|
We started as friends
But something happened inside me…
…You are my very first thought in the morning
And my last at nightfall
You are the love that came without warning
I need you, I want you to know…
I've made it obvious
Done everything but say it
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song
And sing it until the day you're holding me
I've wanted you so long but on and on you get me wrong
I more than adore you but since you never seem to see…
…I’ll say it in this love song.
How I wish telling someone you like him is as easy as this.
This is how I define a kilig moment: you are up on center stage with a fake lapel on your head. You pretend to be a part of a 90's boyband, and you lip-sync while doing a "boyband dance". I am sitting at the front row, and I was supposed to watch you.
It was almost perfect. However, I can't stand to look at you and the way you grin when you commit a mistake, or the way you bite your lips when you get serious. You are so cute I can’t help but melt. I can’t look at you now without blushing, or getting all nervous.
But still, it felt like I was floating in midair with happiness. Now that’s a kilig moment.
I don’t know why, but the weird feeling gets more and more intense as freakin’ time goes by. Today, I got so nervous because I felt you were watching me-- no, watching us as we do our performance. The result? I slipped and fell. Talk about major embarrassment and literal head-over-heels.
But still, it felt like I was floating in midair with happiness. And embarrassing as it may seem, I would want to call that a kilig moment.
D, you are the only one who made me fall in love like this. ♥
Someone who'll laugh with me. Someone who'll pull me up when I am down. Someone who will fill in everything that I lack. Someone who will be patient, even more at times I am not. Someone who will share with me his deepest secrets and wildest dreams. Someone who will simply sit beside me as we watch the sun set. Someone who, with just one smile can turn my whole world around. Someone who would be willing to indulge in water gun fights with me. Someone who will sing the song “Longer” to me. Someone who really mean what the song is saying.
The one who will hold me close as we both rise in love. The one whose name is the music of my heart.
The one who I have been in love with even before I met him. The one who will take my hand as the song “When I Fall in Love” plays. The one who I have patiently waited and prayed for… The one who will prove to me that he is definitely worth the wait.
Yesterday I saw the guy I used to care for. He was waiting for his girl. I still felt a twinge of hurt, but not as intense as before. I saw him and the girl leave, and I saw them link their arms as they walk. I still felt a twinge of hurt, but not as intense as before.
Before I sleep I had the time to reflect on myself (This is deep, I know, but shallow people also have to do this at times), and I realized what I have been missing whenever I indulge myself in anger upon seeing that guy and his girl together. I realized that when I tell myself I care for him, I would want him to be happy. If that girl makes him happy, then let it be. I realized that I could do nothing about it, and it is clear that he is not for me, and I can’t insist for him to like me. I also thought it would be quite selfish for me now that I like someone new already, but I still don’t want that guy and his girl to be together. I realized that it would also be unfair for me because I cannot see the big picture God is painting, or the person he already painted in my life. I ended my reflection with praying that they would stay together for long.
I finally learned the hard part of caring for someone – letting go. Thank you, Lord.
It’s been a month since I had that answered prayer. And God gave me another surprise when I saw you again after a month (the last time I saw you was when I had that answered prayer). So there, I just looked at you as you play the drums. You never fail to make me fall for you.
Today I also saw you play the guitar and sing. Heck, now I wonder if there is a thing you could not do… of course there must be, but you never cease to amaze me. My smiling-to-myself hobby becomes more and more frequent, thanks to all my thoughts of you.
But there is one thing that bothers me and makes me afraid. They found out I like you. That secret I have kept for so long was discovered, and now it’s only a tongue’s slip away for you to know.
Heck, why am I afraid? Simple. I am afraid of your rejection. I am afraid of knowing you don’t feel the same, you don’t like me, and you don’t like the thought of me writing about you and doing chibi versions of you. I don’t want to sound negative, but I’ve always been used to that. And I don’t want it to happen again.
My cousin told me: “Ok lang yan ate, crush lang naman…” (It’s OK, it’s just a crush…) and thought you wouldn’t bother that much.
But I think this is NOT JUST A CRUSH. What I am feeling now is more than that. I don’t write about a crush. I don’t dedicate a whole weblog for a crush. I don’t fill my planner with hearts because of a usual event that happened with a crush. I don’t smile to myself like a freak every time with the thought of a crush. I don’t dream about a crush every night. I don’t do chibi versions of a crush. I don’t scribble a crush’s name on every paper I get a hold of. I don’t think of a crush every night before I go to sleep.
And I include you in my prayers, asking the Lord that if you really are for me, he will make a way for us. I don’t do that for someone who is only a crush.
If ever you find out, I hope you’ll be happy because you feel the same for me. I hope you’ll be flattered because of everything that I have written while having you on my mind, and my chibi versions of you. I hope you’ll smile upon discovering and reading my blog posts dedicated to you. If ever you find out, I hope you’ll tell me that I have nothing to be afraid of, because you feel the same for me.*
My Dream Guy has a quick smile and a great sense of humor; in fact he can make me laugh really, really hard. He has enough confidence to walk with his head held high, and he has enough humility to ask forgiveness when he’s wrong. He is goofy, so he is willing to sit on the floor with a three-year-old. He is considerate, so he notices the girl who always sits in the corner by herself.
My guy has a romantic side that will bring him to my doorstep armed with a handful of flowers that he picked on his way over. He is intelligent enough to know what a preposition is, and he is gracious enough to explain its meaning to someone who doesn’t. He has a solid group of male friends, and more of them than female friends.
(Now let me insert my own little criteria) My dream guy knows how to solve a Mathematical equation with ease, because I know I can’t. :P He knows how to play a musical instrument, preferably the drums. *smiles* And he bites his lips when it comes to the peak of the song he’s playing. *giggles* HAHAHA. (No, the biting of the lips isn’t really necessary, but I find it cute… HAHAHA again). So there, thank you for indulging me.
My ideal guy cherishes my purity and values me enough to wait for it. He is discerning, he is respected by his peers, and he remembers his mom’s birthday. He is a spiritual leader, and he seeks to be a disciple of the Lord. (I just want to add this up) My guy loves the Lord more than he loves me, because I love the Lord more than I love him. And I thought that if we are both in love with the Lord, we will also stay in love with each other. *winks*
~*~*~
I hope and pray that my Prince Charming is out there somewhere. I don’t think he has found me yet. Despite that fact, I am enjoying my time waiting for him, because I am convinced that he is worth waiting for (even if he is just a figment of my imagination).
…Maybe, just maybe, the guy I’ve been dreaming about really does exist out there somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, he dreams about me the way I dream about him.
-Lisa Velthouse
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