RB's response on my Previous Post

Ganyan naman daw talaga pag nareregular. Parang initiation rites ba.

Yes, I'm Hardcore Like That

Normally, a contractual employee's job would be terminated on the day stated on the papers s/he signed. In my case, it would be on the sixth month. I started on the 21st of June, and my contract was supposed to end on the 21st of this month. But today, the 14th of December, the universe conspired and I broke the rule--I signed a new contract that makes me a permanent employee.

Yes, I'm hardcore like that because my God is awesome like that.

I didn't undergo the typical probationary period that temp-to-perm employees would normally undergo, in the case of my other officemates, an additional 3 months. And I signed my regularization contract even BEFORE MY FREAKIN' REVALIDA.

When my revalida is supposed to be the measurement of what I have done for the company and what I could still offer (still have to do it fo'sho though).

Today I also got my health card, which means I now have the liberty to get sick. Been holding that back for too long now. Kidding.

Yay?

 

 

Why, this is too much awesome in a day that the universe should have a counter-attack. On the day that I signed my regularization papers, I got a sh/tload of escalations. Which made me think that they are thinking that the regularization isn't worth it after all.

My boss says that sh/t happens, and this is one of those sh/t days. But this is just too much. I can't use my global employee of the quarter reputation for this--that reputation in fact makes it harder. That award, and all of the expectations that come along with it made this job harder. This day, my 99% accuracy is now a little less than 99%.

And damn, my real life in this job is only getting started.

This could have been one of those good days but it wasn't. Funny how such failures can ruin a supposedly great day. Or even a week, maybe.

At least the countdown for the 12 days of Christmas is already on it's way.

Patty: "HBD"--Channel ba yun sa TV? Haha. Para iilang letters lang ang "happy birthday" paiikliin pa.
Migs: Happy birthday ba ibig sabihin nun? akala ko "Hi Baby Doll" man!

HAHAHA Migs! Made my night! :))

OK. Enough. Must do my presentation for my upcoming revalida. Revalida! Onwards to regularization! OOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Dito na lang ako sisigaw.

HANGGWAPOMOSYEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!!

Background song: Shot through the heart, and you're to blame... ♫ habang nagcocollapse ako sa kilig.

Partida mo na wala ka pang ginagawa nyan, nagpost ka lang ng bagong photo nagkaganito nako. Hayop ka talaga. Nakakainis na.

End of story.

This is a Lengthy Post that Took so Much of Me to Write

December 10 of last year broke my hard badly that until now, I can't talk about it without getting all choked up.

But since I'm writing about this, I'll try my best not to cry. You won't know if I do anyway. I already wrote about this last night, but I want to put it up here on my blog so that I'll have something to look back in the future. Maybe then, I can laugh about this. Or just to even be indifferent as you are today.

Dear (your name here),

I can still remember this day last year as if it was only yesterday. December 10, 2010, the day my heart was shattered.

Everything is still clear to me. I can still tell of that story part by part, I can still remember every bit of that conversation that forever changed the course of everything between us.

I can still remember that I only intend to initiate a friendly conversation, to catch up on what has been happening to you. I asked you something--a question related to the world we once shared--because that's the only common ground we have that I can still try to explore.

You made a joke--at least that's what I think--and right then I knew that you enjoy talking to me. You just don't know how much I enjoy talking to you too. Then I asked you how things are going on in your life.

That's when you asked that question.

At first I was shocked, elated maybe, that you finally opened up a possibility of talking about something like that. Then you told me who the lucky girl is...

And it wasn't me.

I wanted to leave that conversation right then and there, but I did not. I was too shocked to even hit the exit button of that chatbox. That moment, I was too numb of any emotion. I knew that I have to cry but I cannot.

I knew that it's all over but my heart would like to believe that they're just getting started.

Sh/t, sobrang sakit ng conversation na yun, na pag naaalala ko di ko mapigilang umiyak ulit. Even after a year.

I knew that entertaining your questions would just hurt me more. I knew that being your love doctor would just kill me slowly from all the pain that you will give every time you would tell me how things are going on with her.

But I also knew that it's the only way I can get close to you. Even if it means listening to you as you talk about her.

I remember that I asked you: "Pero gusto mo talaga sya?" to which you answered: "Oo. Hindi ako makatulog kakaisip sa kanya."

And you don't even have an idea na hindi rin ako makatulog kakaisip sayo at sa paggawa ng mga sulat na hindi mo pa rin nababasa hanggang ngayon.

Until this day I still regret having said "If you think she's worth the risk, go." Until now I still think of what could have happened had I said something else. Until now I still think of what could have been if I said I love you all along, on that fateful night.

The moment our conversation ended, I broke down. Hard. With no one to talk to. I tried convincing myself that it's over, that things would end just like that, that you and I would never happen. But I knew that this is not over and I'm willing to endure the pain until the end.

I fell asleep crying. I woke up the next day with hopes that the previous night is just a nightmare that I can simply run away from. But I opened my laptop and saw our conversation history.

Sh/t, totoo nga.

I was so depressed that I have no appetite for anything. Everything I hear makes me want to cry. I abhorred love songs. I even cried during recitation on my commstrat class. F/ck, my mind wasn't on anything I did that day.

I told my friend Aira about it. It was so bad that I cried even before pouring out the whole story that she ended up crying too. Look what you've done, you ass.

After the night of December 10, I could have just given you up. I could have just said to myself that this will never work out and I would only end up getting hurt. I could have just told myself that what I have seen in the movies aren't real, that true love f/ckin hurts.

But I'm still here. Even until now. Even after a year.

Why?

Because I know that the're something more to this. That even if it f/ckin hurts, I should not give you up. That this could still work out if only I'll be a little more patient. That true love exists and I found it in you, and this is not quite the ending of the love story I have always prayed for.

I know there's something more in you.

Please let me feel it before it's too late.

I love you,

KC

KC the Drunk(en) Master V1.0 and (probably) Never Again

December 10 would always be an unforgettable day. This year, it was the first time I got drunk.

Drunk enough to not walk straight to my condo unit.

Even too drunk to not make it to the bathroom and puke on my shoe instead. And a Mercury Drug plastic bag (the one for meds, not the sando bag) the next morning.

And way too drunk to experience the allergies I have with alcohol even until now that I write this.

And drank too much to discover an allergy for alcohol that I never would have realized I have.

That's what I get for the heartbreak I still remember from a year ago.

Oh yeah.

Thanks to my awesome friends Cole, Ron, and Ella. And to Central Taft for that hell-in-the-stomach called "Badtrip". Badtrip talaga. Traydor pa.

This Might be Immortalized in a Yearbook Like Yeah

A Writeup I have prepared for my good friend Francess Anne Yangyang:

“Hello Karen!”

Out of nowhere, a random schoolmate posted a Friendster testimonial on my profile that started a wonderful friendship. I used to stalk her profile once in a while, but I never thought of approaching her—she seemed suplada based on her profile photo. However, I knew that she was a PolSci freshie from the same batch as mine. Her name was Francess Anne Yangyang.

Soon enough I realized she wasn’t suplada at all. We instantly became online buddies, and yes, we already knew about each other’s crushes even before we talk to each other in person! That’s how close we have become—and how easy it is for Francess (or Faye My Labs as I call her) to be a friend and confidante. Maybe it has something to do with our language game, our boyish sides, the fact that love gets us all weak in the knees, and the occasional not-so-green jokes. Mehehehe.

Faye is that friend that is sweet enough to accompany you to the mall even on a late notice, who would play arcade games with you, and would even adjust to your schedule just because she values time spent with someone she cares for. She remains rational when you are not, and becomes all hyped up when you also are. I am confident enough to say that she is the one I would want to be part of my wedding entourage, my daughter’s godmother, and the one I’d play poker on the porch with when I grow old. Faye is the friend you would not want to let go.

Though Friendster is long gone, it has given me something that would last forever—a friendship with one of the awesome-est people in the world. :)

Akala mo lang wala akong pakialam sa'yo, pero meron. Sobra-sobra pa nga na effort akong tiisin ka para di ako magmukhang makulit at naghahabol sayo, lalo na ngayong alam mo naman na mahal (pa rin) kita.

Pero sa totoo lang gabi-gabi hinihintay pa rin kitang mag-online kahit na alam kong di mo naman ako kakausapin, para lang malaman ko na safe kang nakauwi. Chinecheck ko kung may bago kang status update; baka sakaling mangyari sayo yung biglaang epiphany na nangyari sa aking noong nagtapat akong mahal kita at makita ko na lang na nagstat update ka na na mahal mo rin ako. Hindi mo alam to, malamang, at pati ako naccreepyhan din minsan sa sarili ko dahil chinecheck ko palagi yung relationship status mo at natatakot na bigla ko na lang makitang in a relationship ka na isang araw na hindi pangalan ko ang nakadugtong.

Pasensya na kung creepy ha. Ito lang kasi ang kaya kong gawin--sa ngayon--para makibahagi sa mundo mo.

Still Short of 100%

"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."

"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"

"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west. 

--Excerpt from Haruki Murakami

On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning (1981)

***

An April morning changed my life forever as well. A sunny April morning in 2010.

I saw him and I knew that he is going to be special. And he is--a month after that fateful day, I knew he is that boy I have pictured in my dreams. My 100% perfect boy. Every time I play those memories in my head, I am amazed at how they remain crystal clear to me: that salute in lieu of a first hello, that smile and a slight raise of an eyebrow, his scent and the feel of his fingers as he playfully hold my wrist.

I couldn't have been happier. It was all so perfect and too soon. Amidst those perfect moments and every possibility of what could have been, that tiny, tiny sliver of doubt set in: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

Would it be possible to meet the 100% perfect boy in a span of five weeks?

I let that pinch of doubt take over. Maybe if he really is, he will make a way for us to be together. After all, he is the one I have pictured in my dreams. Soon before I knew it, fate took a power trip on the path that we could have--should have--been walking together. Things became complicated.

All because I--we--became unsure.

Now all I have is the memory of that kiss before we separated from each other.

I wish I could really have done that. I wish I could have told him that I love him even then, and until now. I wish I did not let anyone tear us apart, that made us end up with a random, lifeless goodbye as we pass by each other at a fire exit.

I wish I could put a happy ending to this story now. I wish I could write something more, like, we meet again after a year and are still falling madly in love with each other despite the distance. That after meeting again we never let each other go, that we have now realized that we are the 100% of each other. I wish I could tell you that he is beside me as I write this, gently whispering that he'll never let anything--or anyone--separate us again.

But I can't. Because I let go of my 100% boy just like that.

And until now I don't know if he'd still come back.

Wish upon my favorite Star

 "Then I might be something like a moon using the light of a star like you."

"But a moon is not completely useless. No matter how many other stars there are at night. the only thing I see is the moon."

"Hyung-nim, I can only see one special star right now."

"What? You said there were a lot of stars."

"There are, but only one star is twinkling so handsomely. I can only see that star."

"There is a star like that?"

"Yes, it is a star that many people love. Do you think it would be wrong for me to be one of the many people that like that star?"

"Do you really need permission to like something like that? Ask the star. I'm sure you can see it."

"Yes, I am looking at the star. Would it be okay to like it?"

--Mi Nam and Tae Kyung, He's Beautiful (2008)

Yes, I am looking at the star. Would it be okay to like it?

Earlier my officemates (Ron, Cole, and Ella) and I went to Ayala Triangle Gardens to watch the Christmas lights show. Being the starry-eyed, easily-amused-by-all-things-shiny-shimmery-splendid whatever person that I am, I was amazed with this wonderfilled show of lights. For the next 10 minutes I was either saying "aaaah..." or trying to control my jaw from completely dropping.

At times like this I remember one of my life's simple wishes that only Ninin knows (I told her one time when we were walking along the Triangle). And because you, guest, have been interested enough to read this post until this point, I will let you in a secret. This wish involves three things (at least):

1. Ayala Triangle Garden's superb lights. Or any other lights display. Or maybe fireworks. But my bucket list specifically mention the Ayala Triangle lights (We can always bend the rules)

2. Yiruma's "Moonlight", starting 2:05

and, most importantly,

3. You. ♥
My You, the one I have always been referring to.

I won't say it directly. Go figure. ;) 

That's it. I just decided to post this wish so that I'll be able to look back at it in this blog when the time comes that it had already come true. That's why I wish upon my favorite star, hoping that someday I'll be able to touch you with my own hands. ★