"It's you that can make me do things I never thought I could--or would--like skipping, humming and dancing like crazy out of happiness I cannot contain. Or cry for twelve hours straight yet still be able to write a daily letter that tells how much you mean to me. It's you. It has always been you.

And I know you already know this, but I just want to tell you that I love you. Always have, always will. Forever and a day."

"I choose not to forget..."

"...You know that I'd find a way to you no matter what. Always remember that.

If I get the chance, I relive the moments of you and I. Those sweet smiles, those songs, those little moments of silence that I love. I enjoy remembering those moments because in them, you seem so real and you remind me of how much I am loved."

I wrote this last year, 28th of July to be exact, on a letter addressed to you. I read it recently and it made me cry. Nothing was known between us back then and yet I was so sure. I was. One year hence and we are still here, with me having a little less certainty on what I am feeling and more uncertainty on what I thought you feel for me.

I was so sure. We didn't say anything, you didn't do anything then... We weren't talking, yet I was so sure.

I still hope these letters will reach their addressee someday. Soon.


"The absence of medium of expressing how much I love you, the distance, and the hindrances of making these feelings known does not mean that I love you less. I love you more each day. I love you more. And I choose not to forget."

Still true until this day. And onwards. I love you.

What I have learned from the 40-day iPod abstinence

There is always that one thing that you would really want that you would be ready to give up something you cannot live without. At 6, maybe you’ve traded your best Barbie doll for a Polly Pocket; at 16, it may be leaving your hometown to enter your dream university; at 20, risking anything to get that dream job. This is what I learned after I gave up my iPod for 40 days for that one thing.

You might think that this would not be much of a sacrifice for a normal person, but in that case, I am far from normal. I value music more than I value texting. I get the need to throw up every time I travel without a headset. I can’t focus on work without music. Music is my pacifier and my iPod is my security blanket. It has even come to the point that I have to balance my internship, traveling back and forth to Bulacan, and a part-time job just so I can purchase an iPod.

But then again, there is that one thing that I would be more than willing to sacrifice that iPod for.

Setting the Rules
The best sacrifices are the ones that hurt. Like what King David said in 2 Samuel 24:24, I would not offer the Lord sacrifices that cost me nothing. On June 1, 2011, after being convicted by the words said by Aaron, I set rules upon myself that at first look seemed impossible to accomplish:

(1) Do not use the music function of the iPod.
(2) Not being grounded from using the video function of the iPod does not mean you can watch music videos for a music fix. You can’t.
(3) The iPod can only be used for notes and the applications installed in it.
(4) Your headset is only good for watching movies from your laptop. No listening to music from your laptop.
(5) No YouTube as alternative for a music fix.
(6) No Radio as alternative for a music fix.

Yes, it was hard. It was even harder than when I lost my first iPod because I had the radio and my PC as substitute back then. But this time I tried to cut off all possible connections between me and music.

The First Week
Getting the first week done wasn’t as hard as it seemed for me. I was still unemployed during the first week of the 40-day iPod abstinence, so I had all the time to do other things aside from sound tripping. I finished watching How I met Your Mother Seasons 2 and 3 and watched a lot of movies instead. I wrote a lot of letters and prayed that this newly-started challenge for myself will be successful.

Mid-Challenge
I have learned that what they say is true; you would never know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I work—work!—without music to calm me down when I feel agitated. I traveled the busy streets of Metro Manila and battled waiting hours during traffic jams without music to comfort me. Add to that the jeepney driver’s radio that doesn’t really help—they were always playing jeje songs that I would never learn to love. It was the first time I got a Last Song Syndrome from a radio station jingle. It was excruciating.

I have also realized the power of music that I tend to ignore before. Sometimes music loses its effect when it comes from my iPod because I can just skip it whenever I want to, but not when a replica of my playlist comes from the bus driver’s boom box. The feeling of joy upon realizing that a bus driver can listen to such cool songs, and the feeling of sadness upon hearing the intro of “I Miss You” made me cry (yes, I’m on a public vehicle). It was epic.

I have also realized one more thing: maybe the reason why our ears cannot be shut is for us to appreciate things even when our eyes are closed.

Final Stretch
There are a lot of things that you can appreciate more without a headset that interferes. Like the rooster that wakes me up in the morning, a joke, or the ding-dong of the elevator that signifies that I have already arrived at my destination. I have also realized that sometimes, silence is so much better than music. Silence can trigger a lot of emotions and realizations more than a song can. Silence can even make you cry—I did, a lot of times.

But it all arrives to one big realization, and here’s mine: I did the 40-day iPod abstinence because I know God is able to do things I can’t; and this is my way of telling God that I’m willing to sacrifice for a single move of His mighty hand. I know this is not much compared to what others do, but I sure felt the pain that came along with this.

Yes, because in this life, there is always that one thing—or person that is far more important than the music I’ve always loved.

Days 12, 13, and 14

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

Sorry, Cueshe fans.

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

I love everything connected to stellar connections and outerspace. Hence, this song. Brandon Boyd is a guilty pleasure, too. <3

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

Sorry, may kumanta kasi.

Right now I just want to see you to slap your face real hard for all the pain you caused me. No, I just wanna hug you so bad. I hate you. I love you more. And I hate that while I am loving you, I am hating myself more. For being stupid enough to tell you that I love you when I clearly know that you don't feel the same way. I hate myself. I hate how I can't say what I really want to say because I might end up being the jealous one when I have no right to be. I hate how I can't hate you, how I always end up saying "sorry" for everything I do, even if that's what I really want to say.

I hate this I-don't-freaking-know-where-to-freaking-place-myself situation. I hate this should-I-give-up-or-should-I-just-keep-chasing-pavements thoughts that I always have, even when I always end up holding on to every hope that I have held on to since last year.

Congratulations for making me cry for the nth time, you.

I love you.

Days 8, 9, 10, and 11

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

"Minsan hindi ko maintindihan, parang ang buhay natin ay napagtitripan. Medyo malabo yata ang mundo... Binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko". This song also passes for day 09 - a song that you can dance to. Hahaha. Notice those crazy steps during the chorus? I can do that while singing. Ha.

Who cares about the rules. This is my challenge yo. :p

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep 

I fall asleep because the song is too lovely and I am... well... comfortable to it in a beautiful way, if you know what I mean. Actually, anything by Yiruma will do. The dude is awesome.

day 11 - a song from your favorite band

 

Maroon 5 is da man! Adam Levine is actually my unreachable fantasy (but who knows... haha). This song is one of their sad compositions but with beautifully strong lyrics that will make you cry. It's sad that they didn't play this at their concert in Manila last month though.

Days 5, 6, and 7

Day 5: A song that reminds you of someone

This song's got my dad's name written all over it. When someone sings this song on the videoke, it's gotta be him. He even knows the videoke code by heart. Fly away, Skyline Pigeon, Fly.

Day 6: A song that reminds you of somewhere

No youtube video for this, I'm sorry. Easy Rock 96.3's jingle reminds me of my summer days at Primer Group of Companies. Hey, a radio station ID counts as a song, right?

Day 7: A song that reminds you of a certain event

Paskuhan 2010. It was when this song was playing that I started enjoying the event. Now that I thought about it, the song was in line with what happened. 'Nuff said.

Day 4

Day 4: A song that makes you sad

The most wasaque song I can ever think of. Ever. Is there anything that could hurt more than realizing that the one you almost had is gone... for good?

This was almost my song. I just hope this time I'll be given a chance to make things right.

Days 2 and 3

Day 2: Your least favorite song

Sorry, Bieber fans. I just have to. Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black are on a tight competition for the top spot of my least favorite song but... I realized that I managed to watched the video for Friday twice but I haven't even thought of watching this. Not even in my dreams.

Day 3: A song that makes you happy

Just one of the best soundtracks I have ever encountered <3

what your love doctor really wants to say

And then you asked me,

The best way to court a girl.

I was shocked, and blushed.

Little scenarios

Started to form in my head,

Like those in movies.

Then you said her name,

That made me break down in tears.

The girl is not me.

“But do you like her”?

I asked, holding back the tears.

I hoped you’d say no.

You said, “Yes, I do”,

“So much that I cannot sleep”.

...Like I do for you.

You sought my advice,

What to do to make a move.

The hardest question.

I said, “If you really think

That this girl is worth the risk,

Then go after her”.

And then I signed out

And cried, for what I just said

was my worst mistake.