How do you delete someone from your life?
She was the first
friend you had in college. You had nicknames for each other, enrolled the same
subjects, had the same schedule, and always had lunch together. She knew your
deepest desires and a lot of things you haven't told other people. She knew the
things that irk you, your fears, your scheduled day of fasting. You knew her
route going home depending on the weather, her abnormal shoe size, and what she
had for dinner the night before. You even considered her as your best friend.
She was your sister.
How do you select the memories and throw
them into the recycle bin?
That moment when
she introduced you to the person that will ultimately change your life. You
were swept, and he had you at a salute and a slight raise of an eyebrow. You
let that whirlwind that caught your heart go with the shrug of your shoulders
and a knowing pout on the face. She likes him and this feeling is a violation
of the unwritten girl code.
How do you uninstall the feelings that
became part of your operating system?
That slight but
cheery annoyance when he calls your attention for nothing and the rush of blood
to the cheeks as he smiles triumphantly when you glare back at him. His
confidence as he walks across the room that always leaves you mesmerized. The uneasy
yet satisfied feeling that it seemed he sees no one else but you. The inward
smirk brought about by his lame pick-up lines, after which your shoes felt like
they grew wings that let you soar happily with the clouds. That feeling when
the pick-up lines that make you barf with disgust suddenly works on you. The
scent of his jacket and the electricity as his skin brushes against yours, the
longing feeling that makes you willing to give anything just to be able to feel
them again. The sound of his voice, the look on his face, and the juxtaposition
of his body to yours that Oasis’ Wonderwall
will always remind you of.
How do you get rid of the virus that
destroyed a friendship?
The look on her
face that accuses betrayal as he intently chose you to be the one to do him a
favor. Jealousy so thick you can cut it with a knife. The tension that fills
the air when the three of you were at the same place at a particular moment and
the awkward guilt that you know you shouldn’t feel, because the only thing you
did was to fall in love with someone who shows the same to you. That guilty
feeling you still felt, held, nursed—hoping it will go away, because movies tell
us that friends are more important than the person you love… even when you knew
it was the one you have waited for. That single truth that you forgot: real
friends will let you have both.
How do you Restart relationships?
How do I tell him
that I have loved him all along, even when in silence, even during the time
that she explicitly told me that it will crush her if he and I end up together?
How do I tell her that I miss the old friendship we shared, when there were no
competition on who is he sending an IM to first? How do I tell him that I still
have the doodles that we drew when we were trying to prove each other that
lefties are good artists? How do I tell her that drawing me away from him only
made me love him more? How do I tell him that I wrote letters to him every
single day because I miss him so much? How do I tell her that I have already
made my choice and it was him? How do I tell him the fact that I have already liked every aspect of his soul and that
I want to instill my tag location on his heart for always?
How do we shut the
world down together and reboot our operating systems—no programs installed, no
error messages, no viruses, and no expired licenses for fake software, just the
start button and the recycle bin to throw the bad memories away?
Originally written March 2012. Amidst the chaos in me.
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