Koi No Yokan

Koi No Yokan is a beautiful Japanese concept that holds a deeper meaning than love at first sight. It is a feeling that you get upon meeting someone that the two of you are going to fall in love.

It's really funny because I wasn't supposed to meet you that day, but when you hugged me after the struggle of finding each other in different train lines, I felt I made the right decision to be with you anyway.

Koi no Yokan.

Love.

I already knew that someday we'll get there.

When you chuckled when I asked you to walk slower because I have short legs, I fell a little bit more. A few drinks later and lots of laughter over concert anecdotes, I found myself drawn to you. It was as if I already knew you from somewhere and I'm just trying to remember who you are.

Just short of two hours after we met, we held hands. A few minutes later, we kissed. My lips were inexperienced, but they fit with yours like they were made for each other. You wrapped your arms around me and though I was in a foreign country, it felt more like home more than any place in the world.

Koi No Yokan, what a glorious concept. I don't love you... yet, but soon things will get even better.

Honey, let's wait for each other there.

Coming Home, Part 1

The Japanese belief of the Red String of Fate says that the gods tie an invisible red cord around the pinkie fingers of those who are destined to be with each other. Those connected by the red thread will eventually end up as lovers, regardless of time, or place, or circumstance.

***

By a cosmic turn of events I found myself outside Blackfriars tube station in London, waiting for a guy I almost know nothing about--for all I know he could be a serial killer and I have written my mum's phone number at the back of a receipt and tucked it in my passport just in case. I have set my expectations really low that by the end of the night I expect to get a new friend at most.

He arrived and smiled at me. It's quite refreshing how friendly he is and he instantly gave me a hug. I awkwardly gave him a half-hug as I stuff the Ant-Man comic book that I have been reading into my backpack. He talked a lot and walked too fast that I had to catch up. The weather was lovely, and the cool breeze of the River Thames blowing on our faces made it perfect.

Did I just say perfect?

He took me to BFI Southbank, where the music is nice and the chairs are comfy. He let out an audible moan as he sank into one of the couches. I sat beside him and we talked about anything we can think of, from the Bat for Lashes concert he went to, to the time when his cousin had to piss in a bottle at a festival and made another unsuspecting guy drink it, to that huge Marilyn Monroe photo in the wall that stares directly at us.

I walked to the bar to get another round of Blue Moon. While waiting, I took my phone out and texted my friend: “I like this guy.”

We talked some more and as the alcohol starts to give me courage, my body language probably starts to give me away. My legs and feet pointed towards him, I am holding eye contact probably a bit longer than usual, and maybe a bit of flirty twirls with my hair on the side.

He said maybe we should go to his favorite bar in Clapham Junction. I said yes because I have already trusted him in the two hours that we have been together and the chances of me being killed and thrown into the river is already down to about 20%. We have already been seen together by a lot of people in broad 7PM UK summer sunshine.

We are back to walking again. We checked out the films in IMAX but unfortunately nothing’s interesting so we kept walking.

Have I mentioned he walks too fast? Jesus. He’s right around 6 feet tall and I’m an entire foot shorter and I had to catch up with his long legs. As we turn a corner I finally caught up with him and held his hand.

I swear at that moment I felt more like a lost little kid than someone who is in “like” with a guy she is with.

He was surprised, I guess, but he held on until we got to the tube station. He had to let go to top up his Oyster card and while he was doing so I stood there awkwardly, reflecting that decision I just made. Was I too forward? Did he like it? Does he think I’m too easy?

He told me he’s done and offered his hand for me to take.

As we get into the platform he let go of my hand again. I was in a short state of panic until he put his arm around my waist and held me closer as we walk towards the train.

We sat inside and he put his arm around me. I leaned against him with my head on his shoulder, and it felt like I finally found the home I never even knew I was looking for.

I looked up to him and met his gaze.

The Japanese concept of the Red String of Fate says that it is tied around the little fingers of those who are destined to meet one day.

His face drew closer to mine and I close my eyes.

Our lips locked for the sweetest first kiss I’ve ever had and I knew that the distance of the red string of fate has been closed.

Haiku-writing

I've been suffering from lack of sleep recently, and since I can only have too much Benadryl before it becomes placebo, I resorted to writing haiku to help me doze off. I mean haiku in the sense that it follows the 5-7-5 method, and nothing more (not even remotely about nature, no). There are loads of crappy ones, a lot that don't make sense at all, some even slightly erotic (blame it on Michael Faudet), and a bit romantic (blame it on Lang Leav). I hope to write more, maybe when sleeplessness attacks again.

tossing and turning
thinking of you and your dog.
diphenhydramine.
-----

40-minute call
every word sounds like foreplay
lace panties soaked through
-----

either I lose you
or just enjoy what we have
is there a deadline?
-----

I'm scared you'll hurt me
but you said you're not evil
you still fucking did
-----

moans, thrusts, heavy breaths
thousands of miles between us
best skype call so far
-----

(this one is unconventional... I don't even know what this is, but it is a series of 5-7-5s that form a larger story)

your sweet sad blue eyes
hesitate with a request--
"take off those glasses..."

you asked why i stare
"nothing," i said and giggled
my face turning red

"they say i look weird,"
you say, squinting at my face
"i can't see a thing..."

you were self-conscious
and all i wanted was to
kiss you that moment

goosebumps on your skin
and moans escaped from your lips
i softly whispered:

"don't mind your glasses
let's make love and maximize
your other senses..."
-----

close your eyes, captain.
i want to make love to you
like there's no distance.
-----

i'm writing haiku
like how i would count the sheep
body clock ruined
-----

haiku is so nice
five, seven, five syllables
this is a haiku
-----

just wrote ten haiku
about lust, fear, and haiku
i need to sleep now
-----

fear is a poison
that ruins relationships
stop overthinking
-----

i'm alone and hurt
and i don't want to admit
you're the antidote
-----

i miss you so much
but maybe i need some time
to think why i do
-----

i'm addicted to
writing shitloads of haiku
what lack of sleep does
-----

haiku taught me that
thought-out words and emotions
result in beauty
-----

every time i write
i count with my fingers first
five, seven, and five
-----

field trip with my muse
rediscovered haiku's charm
my new therapy
-----

unholy work shift
wrecked sleeping, eating patterns
running on stored fat
-----

off to a wedding
wond'rin whether i will ever
receive "best wishes"
-----

"what makes you happy?"
i only know what does not
tumbleweed moment
-----

dreamland is calling
fatigue stings behind my eyes
but skype says you're there
-----

"uhm, do you like me?"
the first time you called my name
and said "i don't know..."
-----

alone. a wedding.
vodka as cold as your heart
i hope you don't sleep.

Hello Kevin,

Napangalanan naman na kita dito sa blog na ito, kaya wala na akong pakialam kung mabasa mo. Blog ko naman ito. Ito na sana ang huling sulat ko para sa iyo.

Gusto ko lang malaman mo na minahal kita ng sobra. Hindi ko alam kung paano, at lalong hindi ko alam kung bakit. Mula nung nakilala kita, hanggang sa magkatrabaho ako, hanggang sa kung anu-anong pangyayari na ang dumaan sa buhay ko. Kapag tinatanong ako, ikaw pa rin. Wala ka namang pakialam. Nagsara ang mata ko nun para sa ibang tao. Nawalan ako ng pakiramdam. Dumating sa puntong naging pangalan ka na lang para sa akin. Siguro noon, sinasabi ko na lang na ikaw pa rin ang nasa puso ko dahil wala naman akong makitang iba. Pero alam kong wala nang pag-asa. Tatlong taon ng buhay ko ang sinayang ko sa iyo. Naisugal ko pa ang pagkakaibigan namin ng college best friend ko, buti na lang naayos pa namin ngayon.

Para kang drugs. Heroin siguro kasi balita ko sobrang tindi manira ng buhay non. Pinasaya mo ako ng sandali, pero ang hirap ng naging kapalit. Pakiramdam ko napakawalang kwenta kong tao. Ganun lang pala ako kadaling balewalain. Nawala lahat ng inipon kong lakas ng loob nun. Nagsikap ako, gumraduate on time, nag-excel sa trabaho para kahit paano makita mo na "Uy teka, ang galing naman nya. I'm proud of her. Ang saya naman na inspiration ako nito." Alam mo kasi na inspiration kita nun e. Pero anak ng tupa, wala akong narinig sayo kahit na ano. Walang talab kahit anong effort ko to please you. To win your heart.

Ang laking bullshit lang na tiniis ko lahat yun na halos nakalimutan ko na kung sino talaga ako. Na pwede rin naman akong pahalagahan kahit paano.

Minahal kita. Totoo na iniisip kita lagi, na naaalala kita bago ako matulog, na dinadalangin ko lagi na ingatan ka ng Diyos araw-araw at iparamdam nya sa iyo ang yakap ko. Nasa kamay mo ang puso ko ng matagal na panahon, pero nanatili kang tikom para bigyan ako ng pagkakataon. Sabihin mo nang bitter ako dahil hindi ko kahit kailan naramdaman na mahal mo ako, pero sana man lang nagpakita ka sa akin ng kahit na kaunting respeto.

Pero kahit na tatlong taon ang sinayang ko, meron pa rin akong dapat ipagpasalamat. Salamat dahil binalewala mo ako ng sobra, na naaappreciate ko ngayon ang sarap sa pakiramdam ng pagpapahalaga sa akin ng iba. Masaya na ako ngayon. Sobrang saya. Ang sarap pala ng may nagme-message sa iyo tuwing bago ka matulog para tanungin kung kumusta ang araw mo. Yung proud sa achievements mo. Yung alam mong kapag kinwentuhan mo e makikinig sa iyo ng may interes at hindi napipilitan lang. Yung tao na kahit kailan e hindi nagmadaling tapusin ang pag-uusap nyo dahil mas pipiliin pa nyang maglaro ng computer games. Yung tao na willing mag-sustain ng conversation kahit na mapunta pa sa Star Wars ang usapan. Yung tao na hindi tatapusin ang tawagan kahit na pinapakinggan nyo na lang ang paghinga ng isa't isa. Yung tao na maghihintay ng new year na ikaw ang kausap. Yung tao na naaappreciate yung effort mo na surpresahin sya. Yung taong pakikiligin ka ng sobra-sobra hanggang sa point na pakiramdam mo masusuka ka na. Yung tao na marunong magpasalamat at marunong mag-sorry. Yung tao na nirerespeto yung feelings mo at nililinaw palagi kung ano ang nararamdaman nya.

Ang sarap pala makatagpo ng tao na ang tanging gusto ay maging masaya ka.

Lahat ng ginusto kong gawin mo sa akin ay ginagawa nya sa akin ngayon, at nag-uumapaw ang appreciation ko sa kanya ngayon dahil alam ko ang pakiramdam ng tratuhin na parang wala lang. Eto na ang kapalit ng tatlong taon ng pagpapaka-gaga ko sa iyo. Sa wakas, natapos din. Ito lang naman ang gusto mo diba? Ang huminto sa pagpipilit na mahalin mo? Eto na, Kevin. Binibigay ko na ang kalayaan mo mula sa puso ko ng buong-buo.

Minahal kita. Hindi na mawawala yun. Lagi ko pa ring iisipin ang ikabubuti mo. Hindi rin ako magagalit sa iyo, dahil ibig sabihin nun ay may nararamdaman pa rin ako para sa iyo. Hindi ako tuluyang makakamove on kung magagalit pa ako para sa iyo. Wala na, Kevin. Patay na ang damdamin ko. Sana masaya ka na.

Sana huwag mong tratuhin ang lahat ng tao na nakapaligid sa iyo ng tulad ng ginawa mo sa akin. Alam kong maraming nagmamahal sa iyo at sana huwag mo silang balewalain o itaboy. Ayaw ko na manatili kang mag-isa. At sana dumating yung panahon na makikita mo ang tunay na kasiyahan mo.

Patawad kung may nagawa akong hindi mo nagustuhan. Patawad dahil hindi kita nasamahan sa Law school. Iba siguro ang takbo ng buhay natin ngayon kung tumuloy tayo pareho.

Pero may mga pangyayari na hinayaan ng tadhana para maipakita niya kung ano ang mas mabuti para sa ating dalawa.

Maraming salamat, Kevin. Paalam.

PS. Nandito pa rin sa akin ang lahat ng sulat ko para sa iyo noong panahon na napasaya mo ako. Kung sakali man gugustuhin mong mabasa, pwede ko naman sigurong ibigay sa iyo. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung handa ba akong makita ka pa ulit.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie

The more I talk to you, the more I realize how scarred I am.

I am sorry that you came along at a time when I badly need to be taken care of.

I never imagined that things would turn out like this. I never thought that someday you will come along. I should've waited for you instead of putting myself out there and getting hurt. Then you wouldn't have had to bear with me as I disgustingly lick the wounds of my past.

Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for putting up with the emotional wreck that I am, and for knowing that I am crying even when you can only hear my voice. Thank you for offering to call me when you know that I am really getting emotional. Thank you for being sensitive enough to know that I am not comfortable with a certain situation, and for telling me not to be sorry. Thank you for setting your confusion aside to console me and tell me that you would not do anything that the ghosts of my past did. Thank you for still wanting to talk to me, everyday, even when a lot of our conversations suffered because of my flashbacks. Thank you for putting a conscious effort to free me from the shackles of my fear. Thank you for treating me very gently and kindly, and not shoving that effort down my throat and telling me that I need it.

Thank you because you keep filling my list of why I should always make an effort to keep you.

Thank you for letting me know that even after all these struggles I have with myself, you still think that I am worthy of you.

I thank God for you. You are the best gift that I received this year.

I met a stranger who made me realize what I have been missing all along.

We met each other in a very unconventional way.

Right then I knew you would be different. The Chocolate Chip Cookie among the pretentious Oatmeal Raisins. I approached you because your email signature quotes a line from a song on the Submarine soundtrack. I love Submarine. I love that song. You seem to be a very interesting person.

We chatted. The only identity I knew of you is that you will be celebrating your birthday in three days, and we are three years apart. You study Criminal Justice. I didn't know your name and where you live. You didn't even know how I look like. You only know that I have a nice smile, as you told me.

We talked about music and we ended up discussing our favorite bands and you suggesting your favorite albums to me. I have always been one to end conversations with strangers easily, but it was different with you.

That conversation was followed by another. You were from the southern part of the US, and you were surprised when I told you where I am from. "Wow. I didn't expect that. Are you a transplant, just like me?" Apparently you thought I was also an American with the way I talk to you. It was kinda funny. "But our countries really have strong ties." you added.

We talked about a lot of things, from vinyl records to sheepherding drunk people. Both of us are the sober ones in a party. I never imagined putting the least bit of effort to sustain a pointless conversation with someone I don't know. I must have been out of my mind to even agree to talk to you on the phone. It was a bold move for me, as I hate my voice and I don't want others to hear it, especially when they have the option not to.

But you looked forward to it, and we agreed to talk the next evening. I liked the sound of your voice. It gave me a soothing, calming feeling on a night that I had to take a sick leave because of a fever.

We don't know what to talk about, so I suggested that we play the 20 questions game that I got from a Palanca literary piece. We took turns in asking and answering questions about each other. In that moment, I felt like an onion being peeled off to the core as I reveal things about myself.

"How nervous are you right now?" You asked me.
"Very," I answered.

As we went through the game I realized that this is something I haven't experienced until then. It was the first time that I stayed too long on the phone, talking to a guy about random stuff. This is what I have been missing, during all those nights that I thought watching a Killers concert on my iPad is the best way to spend the last moments before I fall asleep.

"Tell me something you would only tell a stranger." I said. I never knew you would tell me something so intimate that it made me guilty that I asked for it. I felt trusted as I heard the happy-sounding guy I was talking to earlier become a bit more fragile.

"Do you have a photo that is more revealing... of your face, and not just the lower half?"

"Well of course, of course. Okay I'll send one to you. Later."

To be quite honest I thought we would not reach twenty questions. We only need two to be bored. But we even exceeded. I think we reached at least thirty. It lasted for an hour. The only people I talk to on the phone for an hour is my mom and my best friend.

And now, you.

The call was cut short when Yahoo became wonky. "You should get a Skype." You jokingly told me.

"I have Skype!!! You just don't ask me!!!" I answered back.

"Well I'm asking now."

It was only then that I knew your name. I have told you a lot of things about myself, and I know a lot of things about you, but I just knew your name. I knew your name because Skype told me.

You said you enjoyed our little game, and added: "You were so nervous. It was cute."

I melted.

"Why wouldn't I be? But seriously, thank you."

"For talking? Or for the compliment?"

"Both. But mostly for talking. And your patience."

I sent you a photo, revealing my face. It was the first time that I revealed my face to a stranger that I met on the internet.

"Haha, look at those cheeks. :P Cute."

I blushed and hated you at the same time.

You asked me what time I go home and what time do I fall asleep. I know it's because you look forward to talking to me again. I answered, because the thought of it makes me happy too.

"Must be difficult to adjust to." You said.

"I'd like to think that the perks of living on a different time zone outweighs the hassle, though."

"To be fair, it's easier to talk to you. So there's that."

OH. MY. GOD.

"Would you like to talk again for a bit? On Skype, this time? With a little surprise, perhaps. Call me."

I did, and you were on video. This guy, who was at first a stranger from the internet is now a living, breathing being in front of my eyes. As you said hello, I wanted to jump through the screen and give you a massive hug. You kept me company the entire night that I was sick and showed yourself on video to make me feel better. It did.

We talked for a short while, and then both of us had to go.

"I hope you don't regret wanting to talk to me." I said.

"Your accent is cute. I'm sure I won't."

You think my accent is cute. I never knew I had an accent. And I never knew that anything about me would be labeled as "cute".

"Haha, Okay. I think I'll just take that as positive."

"It is a compliment."

"Thank you. Well I have to go now. I'll catch you again sometime."

"You need your sleep. And you certainly will. :)"

(WHAT IS PBB TEENS. GUYS. COME ON. OMG KILEGZ.)

I felt the dead butterflies inside me come to life again. They were fluttering so wildly that I felt like I need to vomit. For real. It was the first time in a long time that someone put a smile on my face as I sleep.

______________________________________________

The next day, you Skyped me the moment I got home from work. You showed me your favorite records, but unfortunately my internet connection is getting in the way of a massive sparks moment. We had to settle with voice chat.

We don't know what to talk about, exactly. There was a lot of dead air but neither of us is hanging up. One just asked the other if a question comes up. Then dead air again.

"Why don't you answer your own question yesterday? The one where you made me tell a secret I haven't told anyone else."

"Ah, yeah... Something I would only tell a stranger."

"Or someone far away."

You don't think of yourself as a stranger anymore. And personally, I don't treat you as one either.

I told you my greatest fear. Your assurance that it will not happen is very soothing. I secretly wished you will be the one to keep that fear from happening. I felt the sincerity in your voice.

"How many strangers have you talked to online?" You asked.

"There were two others. But you were the most awesome."

"Why is that, precisely?"

"Because you know how to sustain a conversation."

"Haha, it's very evident on the amount of dead air as we talk right now."

"Well, we have a lot in common and that always gives us something to talk about."

What I didn't tell you is that even in that silence, I am happy. I just listened to your breathing. You gave me the certainty that there is someone I can talk to, even if that person is half the world away. You made me feel how it is to have someone waiting for you to go online.

You made me realize that all I needed is someone to listen, and you are that someone and more.

_____________________________________________

I never thought that something I dreaded so much would give me so much happiness. I never thought that this kind of happiness used to lie in a stranger's hands. I never thought that talking to you would be something I'd look forward to when I get home. Maybe we can talk again sometime?

"Haha, certainly. I'd like that."

Now you know John Mayer's lecture on his introduction to an acoustic version of "Love Song for No One"? If there is one thing you should know in conversations with potential sparks, it is to NEVER, EVER underestimate the power of "I'd like that."

And I know that this "I'd like that" carries a lot of potential for us.

It's been more than two years since you knew how I feel for you. I hope you know that I am still waiting for your response until now. Even if it gets harder every day. Even if it seems you already forgot about me.

I love you, and I don't want you to go down in my memories as a heartless human being who doesn't know how to care about other people's feelings. I still believe you are not that kind of person.

When the time comes that I'd look back on today and you'll be just another part of my history, I would like to feel the radiance of your smile and the electricity brought about by your long, slender fingers brushing ever so slightly against my skin. I would like to take in your scent that still lingers in the air. I would like to wrap myself with the warmth and masculinity of your voice. I would like to laugh heartily with you at the stories we share and create weird inside jokes. I would like to romance the thought that in a world where we are being trained to be busy with matters of consequence, time stopped as I was granted the honor of your life shortly intersecting with mine.

Even in my memory, I want to still be in love with you.

There is always that one question that goes unanswered whenever I think about what happened to us. We used to be friends, we used to be happy, and we used to be the ones, maybe even the only ones who believed in each other when the going gets tough. When I talk to you, my heart pumps out renewed strength that courses through my entire body, making me believe I can do anything.

This is us now: not talking, not catching up, no nothing. We have reduced each other from being friends into awkward strangers--just one of the names that sporadically show up on our Facebook news feeds and contact numbers on our phonebooks that neither of us even bother to dial.

----------------

I know we share a lot of interests: we both like a great chunk of music's spectrum, we both like 30 Seconds to Mars and Oasis, you are the only other person I actually know that likes Kasabian, we both enjoy going up a mountain, we both like Chuck... The list goes on.

I admit that you are the reason why I liked the last aforementioned two, because you seem to really enjoy them. It is my way of widening a part of my world so that it overlaps more with yours. I experienced and greatly enjoyed going on a hike up a mountain and the taste of victory upon reaching the summit and viewing the city that surrounds it. I also took pride in being able to sleep in a tent while heavy rains and/or strong gusts of winds threatens to topple it down, and standing on God-given view decks. I fell in love with Chuck Bartowski, who, incidentally shares one of your names. I remember very distinctly that you have the Buy More logo as your display photo when we became friends on Facebook. In a lot of ways I saw myself in him: a guy working a low-paying job who fell in love with someone way out of his league. It's the switched-gender version of you and me.

I went to a hike up Mt Manabu last weekend. I can’t help but remember you every time I walk through the woods. The memories of you are strongest when we talk about each other’s love lives during socials. When that topic comes up I just look up to the starry sky, for that is the only part of the universe where we are together. My heart then utters a prayer that you’ll be sitting in the grass beside me the next time I go on a climb.

But that is the next thing to impossible. I love you so much and I really want to be with you in becoming one with nature, but I am afraid to say this to you because there have been one too many times that you turned me down. Did you know that I intended to invite you on that particular climb? I really was, but then a lot of memories surged back: Paskuhan 2010, the week before you enter law school, when The Avengers was showing in theatres, and the Kjwan gig just recently—different occasions that I wanted to be with no one else but you. I thought that no matter how many reasons I present for you to join me, your reasons to decline are far greater; although I feel you only have one—and that is because I am the one who invited you.

Well, who am I to you anyway? Why would you even trust yourself to someone who loves you so much that (maybe) it reached a certain level of creepy?

Maybe this is all we will ever be. I just cannot grasp the fact that someone who even used to ask me how to court a girl will just drift away like that. I cannot help but hate myself, and those times that I told you over and over that I love you are the greatest mistakes of my life. We would’ve been friends until now. I wish I just settled to just being your friend, no matter how much my heart yearns for more, and no matter how much pain I undergo every time you talk about those girls. Those girls. Not just one girl, but three of them. Three! And none of them was me. Why would I even think I’d stand a chance?

Maybe if I just settled with being your friend, I would’ve had my chance at showing you how happy you would be if you choose to be with me instead. Or if not, burying these feelings in oblivion would’ve been easier. Maybe I would’ve grown callous of the pain that I just start treating you as a friend. I just didn’t realize that the way you’re drifting apart from me now would be a thousand times more painful.

I thought the pain would be over if I tell you how I feel about you. Instead I was introduced to a higher level of torment: the one where you have said everything you need to say, to the point where you turn your soul inside out to release the truth that smothers you… and then you receive no answer. Not even a goddamn recognition. Not one fucking word. I have experienced rejection a lot of times before, but the most painful is where you have said everything that there is nothing else left to say, but still you are left hanging and you start to wonder if what you gave will ever be enough.

That’s just so heartless of you to not value other people’s feelings. It’s alright if you don’t consider me as a friend anymore. I just hope you see me as another person standing at the same level as you are. I am still someone who expects an answer when they ask a question. By the way you’re treating me right now, it is as if you are trying to tell me that falling in love with you is a sin and this excruciating pain is the price I have to pay.

But like what I said at the earlier part of this letter, I still believe that you are not that kind of person. I still believe you have a reason why you are doing this.

I am afraid that this love I feel for you will be replaced by hatred in the future. I fear that I will realize that the love I offered and hoped you will reciprocate is nothing but an idol I set up for myself.

I really, really love you.

---------------

There is always that one question that goes unanswered whenever I think about what happened to us.

Is this what I deserve for having the strength, just for once, to fall in love with total abandon?

Sampung Taon: The Kjwan Experience

One of my resolutions for this year is to explore musical styles, learn about music, and most especially, to support local bands. I can pretty much say that I've been keeping up with the first two, by taking a class on Rock Music History and being open to suggestions on what to listen to. However, local bands are out of my radar most of the time. I only discovered two that I really liked so far: She's Only Sixteen and Progeny (check them out).

First Encounters

My college friends have supported Kjwan since I can't remember when. They've been regulars at Handlebar and Saguijo and wherever that band plays, EVEN DURING the time that we were doing our thesis. I know that band is good, and I know a few songs but I never called myself a fan.

But this is about to change on the night of August 9, 2013.

I Needed A Break

I've been working the night shift for the past two years and I just wanted a Friday night out, so when I saw the poster for Kjwan's 10th anniversary, I instantly knew where I'm headed to. I knew my friends were going and they are. I don't have a phone right now, so we just arranged to meet at Handlebar.

Things didn't go out as planned, however. I waited for them but they didn't come, because they became sick later that day. They contacted me on Twitter but I didn't get the message on time, and I can't be reached through phone because I haven't got one.

I just found myself entering the bar, clutching the CD I bought while waiting for them and the posters that came along with it.

Megaphone

The vocalist hasn't even started playing but I knew that this is gonna be awesome. Marc Abaya, the vocalist, picked up a megaphone to sing through the verse and I never saw anyone do that before. The sound produced was reminiscent of a Strokes song from the "Is this It" record.

"The boy who made Kjwan whole again"

At this moment let me just insert my favorite part of the night and of the band. They've got a new drummer, and a hot one at that. Eo Marcos is previously with Salamin, the band of Gary Valenciano's son Paolo, and is now with Kjwan after "a long courtship" as Marc would put it. He's a hottie cutie patootie (yup I also didn't know it was possible to be both) who just smiles and looks around and/or wiping off sweat in between songs, but he's so intense behind the kit. You can actually see his facial expression change the longer he get into a song.

It's not like seeing Mick Jagger, but...

A great surprise for Philippine Rock and Roll fans and for all the people in general, is when Marc told the crowd how big an influence Juan dela Cruz Band is to them, and went on to introduce Joey Pepe Smith to jam with them! I was so starstruck when I saw him that I just said "Oh my God" while getting goosebumps all over my body. It was a fangirl moment I didn't really expect. Classic.

"All you motherf*ckers better be drinking tonight!"

Marc would talk to the crowd in between songs, asking for a smoke or another glass of scotch, acknowledging friends who came, and bantering with the band. Many a time he got his bandmates (particularly Boogie the guitarist and Inky on keys) to drink alcohol while the people cheered for them. I also can't remember how many times he thanked the crowd for coming.

I knew now why my friends love this band. They've got charisma, they act on stage like how they would off it, and they knew they'd be nothing without the people. Playing a 22-song gig for free is enough proof for that.

Instant convert

Towards the end of the set I am an instant convert. I stood there, still holding the first volume of their fourth album and the posters that came along with it, quite thankful that I didn't have a phone on that day. Had I known that my friends aren't coming, I wouldn't have too--and heaven knows what I would've missed.

I somehow felt guilty that I haven't supported this band early on, when I used to see them on MTV Pilipinas. However, I know that this band isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Like what Marc Abaya said over and over in that anniversary gig, the most annoying thing you can ever ask a band member is "May banda pa ba kayo?" because a band is supposed to just keep going. For Kjwan, the past ten years is just the start. 

They capped off their set with the song, "One Look". This is the only Kjwan song I can sing along to, and it's the song they hate (probably even to the hate levels of Radiohead towards "Creep" or Led Zeppelin towards "Stairway to Heaven"). But heck, I don't care. I still sang as Marc gave the anthemic chorus for the crowd to sing, already looking forward to the night that I'll see this band again.

For my Jane

Back in my happiest era I used to believe that Maroon 5's best album is Hands All Over. Now that I am a bit older (and sane), it's Songs About Jane.

Songs About Jane is an album of sadness on different shades.

One of my favorite songs off that album, Tangled is a song about how one lie led to another until the singer can't get out of the mess he made.

Hands All Over is this crazy, danceable album filled with songs about love, sex, and basically, putting your hands all over someone. It was my life's soundtrack during my happiest. They were the songs I listened to when I was so happy and in love. I even suggested that he give that album a listen and he did. He even asked me what's my favorite tune. It was Stutter.

Now I can't even bear to listen to any song from that album.

Look at me then! I was a twenty year-old about to finish college in the best university in this country, who entered a job where I was a stellar employee, and was madly in love with the best love I (n)ever had.

Then reality struck.

I was too happy flying over the moon to even notice that I was falling down. That there will come a time that I'll get too tired and just stop. Stop being crazy about my job, stop giving a damn about the world, stop explicitly communicating how much I still want to dance with him to the tune of that album.

Now look at me, wallowing in back episodes of Sherlock on weekdays and vinyl records on weekends. Typical life of a lonely person.

I've been listening to Songs About Jane a lot, but only now have I met "Jane". Jane is that person who we let go but shouldn't, that person who we try to move on from (but apparently couldn't), that person who went away for no reason at all, that person who don't see how much love we have to give, that person who we'd love to take on a Sunday morning drive, that person who we choose to stick to even when things are going crazy. Jane could be a single person, or s/he could be a mix of different people we met in the duration of our short, crazy lives. Like what happened to Maroon 5, Jane is that person who inspired you to pursue what you are doing right now. S/he is who made you that way.

This is the reason why I love Songs About Jane: because it's written like a love-letter, or a break-up letter, or a mixtape made with tears and heartbreak, depending on how you look at it. It's like, "Hey Jane, you tore my heart, spat on the pieces, and threw them out of the window... but I still managed to write an entire album about you." If that's not true sacrifice, I don't know what is.

Now I'm sitting here thinking of my Jane. He who I wrote one too many letters for, he who inspired me to do what I do now, he who I would still choose to be with even when things are going crazy. He who went away with no explanation at all.

Kevin. Kevin is the name of my Jane.

I have come to realize that no matter how much you love your company and the people in it, you will still grow tired and yearn for your first love.

I have also come to realize my fear of being stuck with what I have now and not being able to marry my passion. I fear making decisions that I will regret forever.

So earlier I made a lockscreen photo:

Pardon the expletive, that is just to emphasize the intensity of my desire for what I really wanted to do.

Writing, Music, and the so-called "financially unstable path" I'll get back to you. And we will prove them wrong.