Wish upon my favorite Star

 "Then I might be something like a moon using the light of a star like you."

"But a moon is not completely useless. No matter how many other stars there are at night. the only thing I see is the moon."

"Hyung-nim, I can only see one special star right now."

"What? You said there were a lot of stars."

"There are, but only one star is twinkling so handsomely. I can only see that star."

"There is a star like that?"

"Yes, it is a star that many people love. Do you think it would be wrong for me to be one of the many people that like that star?"

"Do you really need permission to like something like that? Ask the star. I'm sure you can see it."

"Yes, I am looking at the star. Would it be okay to like it?"

--Mi Nam and Tae Kyung, He's Beautiful (2008)

Yes, I am looking at the star. Would it be okay to like it?

Earlier my officemates (Ron, Cole, and Ella) and I went to Ayala Triangle Gardens to watch the Christmas lights show. Being the starry-eyed, easily-amused-by-all-things-shiny-shimmery-splendid whatever person that I am, I was amazed with this wonderfilled show of lights. For the next 10 minutes I was either saying "aaaah..." or trying to control my jaw from completely dropping.

At times like this I remember one of my life's simple wishes that only Ninin knows (I told her one time when we were walking along the Triangle). And because you, guest, have been interested enough to read this post until this point, I will let you in a secret. This wish involves three things (at least):

1. Ayala Triangle Garden's superb lights. Or any other lights display. Or maybe fireworks. But my bucket list specifically mention the Ayala Triangle lights (We can always bend the rules)

2. Yiruma's "Moonlight", starting 2:05

and, most importantly,

3. You. ♥
My You, the one I have always been referring to.

I won't say it directly. Go figure. ;) 

That's it. I just decided to post this wish so that I'll be able to look back at it in this blog when the time comes that it had already come true. That's why I wish upon my favorite star, hoping that someday I'll be able to touch you with my own hands. ★

One down on my bucket list

A YouTube top comment on a top video.

And not just any other video, but an Oasis video. Life is good so let's Slide Away!

Boss: O bakit ang aga mo pumasok? 10 ka pa diba?
KC: Nagising kasi ako tas di na ko makatulog ulit kaya pumasok na lang ako... Ang boring pala ng buhay ko.
Boss: Yung mga boring na ganyan yumayaman at the age of 25. I used to be f*cking boring.
KC: Gusto ko lang naman ipambili ng PSP yung OT pay ko.

You Might Think I don't Look, But I do.

To tell you the truth, I listen to this song at times that I feel uncertain. About how I feel for you, whether I did the right thing of telling you (twice) that I care, and where I stand in your life.

And now I am listening to it more and more. To convince myself that you care for me too.

You used this song as your reply when I confessed how I feel for you. And until now, when I listen to this song I pay a special attention to these lines:

You might think I don't look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true

Listening to those words somehow takes all the uncertainty away. I know you meant it for me. I just know you did.

You might think that I don't know and I didn't get a clue, but I did. All those hints that you dropped through random conversations, song lyrics, and profile updates, I know you meant them all.

And I know you've been able to feel this much for me.

But there were also times that I felt uncertain--those times when you probably thought I joke around and treat you like a guy friend, telling you how you should go for her... as I secretly cry at the other end of your IM chatbox for not being that girl you tell me you are thinking of.

But I also knew that girl was a joke. It just seemed so real it hurt like heck.

You might be afraid that if you tell me that you've been fooling me around all this time, you might lose me forever. Love, I have always known. And I let it happen, because I love you so much that letting myself wrap around your finger is the closest I can get to you...

...Even when that means treating me like a yo-yo-- holding me close one moment, letting me go, and pulling me back to you again.

Forgive me, love, that I am not able to let you feel how much I still care for you. I'm just gathering my confidence that you trampled upon--twice. I still love you. I always have. I have just grown tired and afraid. Maybe I'd just want to care for you in silence until you realize that you also--still--feel the same way about me, and are afraid to let me go just as I am about you.

I miss you so much. I look at your photos everyday, wondering what will happen if I ever see you again. You should also know that one of my greatest fears is forgetting the sound of your voice, and slowly it's creeping in; your voice that you sang Bon Jovi's Always to me with, that you used in asking me those pretending-to-be-clueless questions... your voice that was once the soundtrack of my summer... now getting lost in a distant memory.

Heck, I just want to tell you again and again that I love you so much. I love you so much and I am willing to let you feel it everyday. If only you'd let me.

And until now I still hope that those words you took from this song's lyrics and made your own--stand true until today.

A Lot of Ones

Last week, Banchetto Megatent released this material on the internet to celebrate 11:11 of 11.11.11, or the "ultimate wish", as some people say. Because I was smitten by the movie Tangled, I scampered for someone to go with me. Being the best (I mean best) friend that she is, Maricar agreed to go with me, along with her boyfriend Arvin, and high school friends Paul and Sarah.

"Flower gleam and glow..."

My shift ends at 9PM, so they decided to go to Banchetto at 8 and just wait for me there. We already knew that the sky lantern event is cancelled and we would just go there to get some food and catch up on things (though it's roughly a week since we were last together). We just never thought that there would be still be a lot of people at the venue.

Now I should make an important note here: My phone's battery is empty and I forgot to tell them to wait for me at the entrance.

And so I didn't know that they left Banchetto early because they were so badtrip of all the people and the smoke coming from kebab and isaw grills. Because I didn't know, I circled the venue for 5 freakin' times to say the least, hoping to come across them. I was wearing uncomfortable shoes during the whole time.

It was so hot, and the volume of people is not making my futile search any easier. After two hours, I finally gave up. I decided to get some food, which is not exactly what I wanted.

I was sitting on the sidewalk, alone. Eating the food I didn't really want.

And I didn't realize that 11:11 of 11.11.11 is already over. It was already morning.

I walked outside and searched for a place to stay until I've decided what to do. I sat on the concrete steps outside a Mini Stop.

My energy is running out. And I don't know how to go home.

This is the worst night of my life. It's even worse than the night of December 10 last year and UST's Paskuhan combined. (Edit: Nothing can ever be worse than the night of December 10).

I can't even remember a day before this that I've felt more miserable and alone.

Then I saw something on the horizon:

Because my phone is dead and I haven't got a photo...

Apparently the sky lanterns weren't hindered by the cancellation of the event. The people went some other place and lit their lanterns together.

And I cried. I still got what I originally wanted!

And after crying, I thought that this beautiful sight would be better if I get something to drink. I was welcomed with a sign on the Mini Stop door that says that all drinks are sold out but that didn't stop me. I got a vodka mudshake (I feel so badass) and continued to marvel at the sight of the lanterns floating in the sky.

God must love me so much.

I may have considered that night to be the worst night of my life, but those things happened for me to appreciate the good things even more.

In this life, I may be going through a lot of bad things that make me lose hope that there is something good in store for me. There may be false promises and broken dreams, but in the end, the sky lanterns will rise and take all the bad experiences away.

And as a Coldplay song plays in the background, these lights will guide me home...

Remember, Remember, the fifth of November

I used to dislike my birth date. For one, the day is a single-digit number and I don't know whether to put a zero before it when I write autographs. Second, I never liked the number five because of its association with the riddle "lumipad si Superman, nalaglag si Batman, nabuntis si Darna." Heck. Nabuntis si Darna?

But then I realized I was one of the privileged few to have a nursery rhyme written about their birthday, as well as to have a movie that revolves around it. Wow, thank you Guy Fawkes.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

So where the heck am I going with this?

Nothing. I just want to bring up the obvious fact that I just celebrated my birthday. My 21st. And I remember that last year, I wrote this. I was emo and bored and was into my sembreak and I have nothing else to do but to wallow in despair and self-pity on my birthday. So I just delved into the fact that my wish for my 19th is still my wish for my 20th and cried at 2-effin'-AM.

Now that I just celebrated my 21st you might (or might not) ask whether my birthday wish last year came true. Well I am happy to inform you that it did. Someone waited for the clock to strike 12MN and wish me a happy birthday. And not just someone, but an entire team.

Not just someone, but an entire team of night shift people!

And with a cake, too!

Happy birthday surprise!

God, thank you for bringing me to Alexander Mann Solutions the Global RPO leader yahahaha I just have to say that :P I feel so loved. And to think that I have spent just five months in this company as I write this, they already know how to touch my heart and welcome me as part of the family.

After my happy birthday surprise from the AMS people, I went home to Bulacan, hoping to celebrate with family and get some sleep. I didn't get some sleep yet I celebrated with family--and more! My high school friends (especially my best friend Maricar and good friends Lei and Nero) helped me with an all-of-a-sudden text brigade to ALL OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BATCHMATES (only!). All-of-a-sudden was all of a sudden, but a lot of them came. Check the photos out for yourselves:

She's not my BFF. She's my F... my Forever. Aw!

"Buti pa yung biglaang pagyayaya, natutuloy!"

I love these people to bits. :)

This is definitely the best birthday I had so far! my first with a full-time job, at the new home. First time to receive a surprise as soon as the clock struck 12. And first time to have my high school barkada at a drinking session (Red Horse for them, A&W root beer for me) at my place. And I don't care if I stayed up for a straight 32 hours.

Told you I don't drink alcohol...

A lot of firsts. I may not get what I wished for last year, but heck, this is alottafan! For this year I realized that happiness should not depend on a single person--a lot of people could make you happy (even make you cry out of sheer happiness!) if only you'd be appreciative enough.

And I also got a great birthday gift from God. For everyone's knowledge, Karen Christine de la Cruz Moroño is Alexander Mann Solutions' Global Contributor/Inspirational Employee of the Quarter (Q3 2011), beating other tenured employees from all over the world (hence the word "global". Kamon!)

...That she had nothing to do but cry.

Are you guys serious?! This is my first quarter and you gave me this!

Not that I'm giving up on my wish (in its third straight year!) but I am slowly learning how to be happy and live life as I wait for him. :)

Cheers to the days to your 22nd, KC! I love you! ♥

Coz It's 3AM and I Must Be Lonely

You know what, it's okay for you--us--you--to take it slow right now. Think and prepare for (y)our future, and though we're not together (yet), rest assured that I am thinking of it (even A LOT at times). Do everything you can to get to your dreams. Be who you want to be.

You know I've always believed in all that you could ever be--I've told you that a lot of times before--and that'll never change. And never, never ever believe me when I say I'm giving up on you. I say that a lot but you know that I don't give up on something I really love. There are just times that I get emotional out of the blue and cry out of nowhere--I'm a girl, for crying out loud.

It's unbelievable how I have the guts to write something like this when I am not even sure how you feel about me. I don't know, but maybe that's what all this is all about. Every blog post is a leap of faith, just knowing that in time, we'll read these again with smiles on our faces.

You know, it's perfectly okay for me to wait for you. Just because I know that the short span of time I'll spend in waiting is equivalent to a lifetime spent with you.

Fridays are made more awesome, thanks to these guys. ♥

Thanks Eric (the one who actually called for this one!), Mina (the one who GM-ed this one), Pam, Anne, Sandz and Patti. 'Til next Friday and I love you and the whole batch to bits. ♥

Wasaque Wednesdays

I miss you.

I know I have said this a lot of times before. I miss you. I actually have told you this, albeit indirectly, but I guess you didn't believe me. I miss you so much. I do.

You know that my thoughts have always been with you since that fateful day I realized I like you, one month after we met. Even during all those nights I got through without talking to you or asking if you're okay, you should know you never left my mind. You're with me even in my dreams.

You should know how hard I tried to forget you and act like you're nothing to me, just as how you act as I am nothing to you. I tried so hard to let this go, thinking that this may be just another one of those shallow feelings I acted so fast upon, that this could be a one-sided summer fling. I tried.

For a while I was slowly moving on. I started not to care about you, even stopped writing those letters that I started on the day we last saw each other. But during that time, I never felt the happiness I did the moment we exchanged virtual messages again--when you first started to share with me your dream of becoming a lawyer.
And from there, I thought that this was--is--it, that thing called love that will still come back even after you tried so hard to shake it off. Soon after, I realized that it didn't leave me at all.

You should know that as I type this, I am crying for reasons even I can't exactly point out. A part of me regrets having told you how much I love you--if only I had known you wouldn't believe me. A part of me misses you so much that all I want right now is to see you, hear your voice, and if I am lucky enough, maybe even hug you and know, just for once, where I stand in your life. A part of me is scared that if I start thinking rationally, I should also let go of this. Of you.

My entirety loves you so much it breaks my heart to realize I can't do anything to let you feel it because you won't let me. And you should know that even the thought of meeting someone else scares me. Forgive me for being stubborn.

Until now I try to believe this is nothing. That nothing ever existed between you and me. That it is only I who ever really loved, and I only misinterpreted all those nice and twitterpating things you did to me.

...Like how everything formed in a span of 200 hours of internship.
...And the fact that you stayed even beyond those hours.
...And how you did for me the things I told you to do to that girl.
...And how you're still there even after the confession I made.
...And how you prayed with me and for me at times I need it the most.
...And how you believed in me during the time that I lost all confidence in myself.

But I also find myself hoping that what my friend said is true: "Either the feelings are too weak to be confessed or he is too weak to confess them."

I know you'll be strong enough someday. Or those feelings you have for me would. Until then, trust me that I'll be waiting. All I need is your assurance that you'll be there. And when that time comes, please say that there has been no one else.

I love you.
Forever. Always.

  

There would be a lot of reasons for you to give up, but love has the power to turn anyone into a fool that still goes on even beyond rationality.

Take it from someone who's been rejected twice--by the same person--yet still finding herself falling even more in love each day.