First Anniversary with Alex Mann

If I am to follow the plans I have laid out for myself when I got here, this is the part where I'll be leaving.

But I won't. I have realized that a year is just too short to accomplish a lot of things you have set up. A year just flies. Like that. I now understand that a year is just too short to nurture you and prove yourself.

In that one year I was part of a team, lost it, built another one, yadda yadda... Seriously, that one year is actually the longest and the shortest of the 21 I have spent on the face of the earth. Times were the longest during those moments that I cried inside bathroom stalls. Enough of them already.

These times are for celebrating.

Celebrating the fact that although I still haven't proven myself in the past year, I still am happy that I am here. Thank God for landing me exactly in the place where I am supposed to be, where I will grow intellectually,  emotionally, even socially. I never realized I could be this happy and contented in the company of friends and people. It kinda gets awkward saying this to my mates all the time, but I really love them to bits.

I guess one will always have a certain emotional to all the firsts--in this case, my first workplace, first office mates, and first line manager.

While I write this I am in my usual spot--and there are some things that you'll never really outgrow I guess--I still have a messy desk (complete with Noel Gallagher's photos) and a bunch of CDs on the pedestal, just like what I had in college. My desk. My home for nine hours the least. And I am happy... and proud to know myself enough to tell you that this is not some form of cognitive dissonance.
And having a Rookie of the Month Award, a Contributor of the Quarter Award, and several projects on my belt--for the first year and on the first job, I think it's just fair to say that I'm on the right track.

Here's to many more, Alexander Mann.

Onwards.

One year from now...

Dear Self from one year ago,

So how did your thesis defense go? I mean your first thesis defense. You'll be thankful to those people that seemed to kill you before now cares for your graduation a lot. You'll graduate on time and it will be the proudest moment of your life. Trust me. You will have his name (three given names, two-word middle name and last name) at the end of your thesis acknowledgments, just as you wished.

One year from now you'll look back at it and still be amazed how you got away from all the shiznit alive. After the revision, you won't be able to open your thesis manuscript until you had to refer to it while editing a friend's thesis--yes, you will help a friend with his thesis. You can't open it not because you curse the final manuscript to the deepest pits of hell, but because you know for yourself that it's 90-something half-baked pages that could have been better if not of the circumstances brought about by your respondents. One year from now, OrCom students will come to you for help and you will not deprive them of it. You will, in fact, make a pledge that you would uphold the pursuit of academic excellence (or somewhat like it) in any way you can because that's the least you can do to help them. If only your thesis respondents thought the same way as you do.

After your graduation, you will stay at home all summer looking for a job, and finally get one a week after classes officially start. I'm sorry darling, but no matter how hard you try to avoid Human Resources, you will inadvertently land there. And I am telling you this now, you will learn to love it that you actually see yourself in the industry in the long run. It just sucks that your cover letter for that PR role wasn't enough to do the trick--I thought it was kick-ass too.

One year from now, you will be in a top recruitment company based in UK and your body clock still wouldn't have changed as you will work with counterparts in the Americas (ergo, the night shift). One year from now you will realize that your thesis manuscript has nothing to do with how you start your career--it is what you have learned and experience during its making that would. At this moment I know that you have already learned the virtues of patience and optimism, and I kid you not, working like mad as long as you see a hint of light at the end pays off eventually.

You will encounter difficult clients and even more difficult teammates to work with. You will contemplate resignation for at least ten times and cry in toilets. A year after you first tried to defend your thesis, however, you will write this and realize how good your life is and that your company values you a lot. You will "Strongly Agree" to a survey item that states"I will not leave this company right now". You will be awarded as Contributor of the Quarter on your first quarter at work, and your excellence will become a special case in the company that you will bypass regular employee processes. I'm not telling you this to swell your head and give everyone a middle finger, saying "I don't need this, suckers!" Do not be proud as you read this. Do not neglect every little thing you do. Do not be grumpy when things don't go your way because they can only get better. Trust me.

One year from now you will write this using your personal office computer while on a 1-hour break. You still have your headphones on but you will listen to Oasis (mostly), Arctic Monkeys, Franz Ferdinand, Jet, The Smiths, and The Beatles instead of your thesis playlist. You will finally be aware of the fact that Wonderwall is not the best Oasis song there is (but it will always remind you of his scent and how he juxtaposed his body against yours as he tried to know what you listen to). You will have an unexplainable admiration for a man named Noel Gallagher (if you don't know him you can google it up) who is 23 years your senior and you will secretly wish you were a British girl born in the 70's who was in Knebworth's biggest gig in '96. You will have changed a lot of your views in life, you will have established a stronger personality, and you will listen to music that you used to skip on MTV, mostly by British rockstars who used to sniff cocaine during the time that you were just learning to recognize the five basic senses. In the end, however, you are confident that you have grown up more than you have grown old. It's only a year hence.

I can't wait until you get here. It will be the wildest year of your life so far.

Onwards.

In a bit,

Yourself (only a year older)

Dear 15-year old self,

I know for a fact that you are immature and you are not doing your homework, but now I am summoning you to write a 400-word article. I've been on a blink-fest with the cursor for three hours now and I only managed to produce two paragraphs. This is embarassing but I hope you can help me. I'll give you a pen with your name engraved on it as a reward.

PS. It hurts when you can't do the only thing you know doing, not because the circumstances disagree, but because you lost the capability. Just keep writing until the pen bleeds and your hand is numb.

Cheers,
Your self from 6 years into the future

Wag kang mag-alala, aayos din ang lahat...

Para tayong stairway to heaven: langit ka, lupa ako.

Pero kung si Jan Di at Jun Pyo nga nagkatuluyan eh.

Against all odds sina Via at Gabriel.

Ang bagoong at singkamas nagsasama din.

Pwede rin naman... diba?

Lamang pa nga ako dahil hindi mo naman kabarkada ang F4.

For a moment, I forgot. Then I remebered.

Last night (or early this morning) I posted this. I was on the verge of giving up. Last night, I felt I was a bit tad tired of bearing all these emotions and acting like "wala lang" every time. You know me, I easily get tired of tasks but loving is a totally different thing for me. Pero kagabi, akala ko last na talaga.

But alas, halfway through the post, I remembered you and all the things that made me happy, how much effort I have put (and, though you may not know it, you have also given your share), how determined I have been, how so darn close and how sure as heck I am with this. I remembered the virtual tin box, the thing that's all I ever wanted, the unused pens and diaries, 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:8... basically the whole shebang. I remembered how I prayed for you to be one of this year's miracles.

And earlier, I saw this on my friend's tumblr:

like it spoke to me.

Yes, crying, crying, and crying even more may be part of loving a person, but that's when you know that you really do. With every tear comes the feelings that otherwise wouldn't have been there in the first place. Where is the boundary between love and foolishness? Well, maybe there's none. True love is never foolish; it is just because we are raised on a belief that love should be two-way that we believe that loving without taking is foolishness. Truth is, love can still exist even if it's unrequited.

So to you, the "you" I have been talking about for almost a year... this sidekick's not giving up anytime soon. And I want you to know how blessed I am to know you. Have I not, I wouldn't have realized all these. Take care, I still hope to see you soon. :)

"If there's a chance that I can get closer to the waters, I might as well just have the guts and take the dive. If I drown and got tossed back to the shore, I'll be coughing and gasping for breath, and then I'll be okay. At least I knew how deep it is, which is better than to forever wonder how fun and exciting it could be to take the plunge and feel the coolness of the water against my sun-burnt skin." 

--Me to Myself (when I know I am supposed to take a risk)

Because sometimes you have to quote your instincts. They are never wrong.

However, distinguishing instinct from sheer stupidity is another matter that I am still learning until now. I just hope that now is not the time for the latter. I want to dive into these waters without getting drowned more than anything else.