Wasaque Wednesdays

I miss you.

I know I have said this a lot of times before. I miss you. I actually have told you this, albeit indirectly, but I guess you didn't believe me. I miss you so much. I do.

You know that my thoughts have always been with you since that fateful day I realized I like you, one month after we met. Even during all those nights I got through without talking to you or asking if you're okay, you should know you never left my mind. You're with me even in my dreams.

You should know how hard I tried to forget you and act like you're nothing to me, just as how you act as I am nothing to you. I tried so hard to let this go, thinking that this may be just another one of those shallow feelings I acted so fast upon, that this could be a one-sided summer fling. I tried.

For a while I was slowly moving on. I started not to care about you, even stopped writing those letters that I started on the day we last saw each other. But during that time, I never felt the happiness I did the moment we exchanged virtual messages again--when you first started to share with me your dream of becoming a lawyer.
And from there, I thought that this was--is--it, that thing called love that will still come back even after you tried so hard to shake it off. Soon after, I realized that it didn't leave me at all.

You should know that as I type this, I am crying for reasons even I can't exactly point out. A part of me regrets having told you how much I love you--if only I had known you wouldn't believe me. A part of me misses you so much that all I want right now is to see you, hear your voice, and if I am lucky enough, maybe even hug you and know, just for once, where I stand in your life. A part of me is scared that if I start thinking rationally, I should also let go of this. Of you.

My entirety loves you so much it breaks my heart to realize I can't do anything to let you feel it because you won't let me. And you should know that even the thought of meeting someone else scares me. Forgive me for being stubborn.

Until now I try to believe this is nothing. That nothing ever existed between you and me. That it is only I who ever really loved, and I only misinterpreted all those nice and twitterpating things you did to me.

...Like how everything formed in a span of 200 hours of internship.
...And the fact that you stayed even beyond those hours.
...And how you did for me the things I told you to do to that girl.
...And how you're still there even after the confession I made.
...And how you prayed with me and for me at times I need it the most.
...And how you believed in me during the time that I lost all confidence in myself.

But I also find myself hoping that what my friend said is true: "Either the feelings are too weak to be confessed or he is too weak to confess them."

I know you'll be strong enough someday. Or those feelings you have for me would. Until then, trust me that I'll be waiting. All I need is your assurance that you'll be there. And when that time comes, please say that there has been no one else.

I love you.
Forever. Always.