This is a Lengthy Post that Took so Much of Me to Write

December 10 of last year broke my hard badly that until now, I can't talk about it without getting all choked up.

But since I'm writing about this, I'll try my best not to cry. You won't know if I do anyway. I already wrote about this last night, but I want to put it up here on my blog so that I'll have something to look back in the future. Maybe then, I can laugh about this. Or just to even be indifferent as you are today.

Dear (your name here),

I can still remember this day last year as if it was only yesterday. December 10, 2010, the day my heart was shattered.

Everything is still clear to me. I can still tell of that story part by part, I can still remember every bit of that conversation that forever changed the course of everything between us.

I can still remember that I only intend to initiate a friendly conversation, to catch up on what has been happening to you. I asked you something--a question related to the world we once shared--because that's the only common ground we have that I can still try to explore.

You made a joke--at least that's what I think--and right then I knew that you enjoy talking to me. You just don't know how much I enjoy talking to you too. Then I asked you how things are going on in your life.

That's when you asked that question.

At first I was shocked, elated maybe, that you finally opened up a possibility of talking about something like that. Then you told me who the lucky girl is...

And it wasn't me.

I wanted to leave that conversation right then and there, but I did not. I was too shocked to even hit the exit button of that chatbox. That moment, I was too numb of any emotion. I knew that I have to cry but I cannot.

I knew that it's all over but my heart would like to believe that they're just getting started.

Sh/t, sobrang sakit ng conversation na yun, na pag naaalala ko di ko mapigilang umiyak ulit. Even after a year.

I knew that entertaining your questions would just hurt me more. I knew that being your love doctor would just kill me slowly from all the pain that you will give every time you would tell me how things are going on with her.

But I also knew that it's the only way I can get close to you. Even if it means listening to you as you talk about her.

I remember that I asked you: "Pero gusto mo talaga sya?" to which you answered: "Oo. Hindi ako makatulog kakaisip sa kanya."

And you don't even have an idea na hindi rin ako makatulog kakaisip sayo at sa paggawa ng mga sulat na hindi mo pa rin nababasa hanggang ngayon.

Until this day I still regret having said "If you think she's worth the risk, go." Until now I still think of what could have happened had I said something else. Until now I still think of what could have been if I said I love you all along, on that fateful night.

The moment our conversation ended, I broke down. Hard. With no one to talk to. I tried convincing myself that it's over, that things would end just like that, that you and I would never happen. But I knew that this is not over and I'm willing to endure the pain until the end.

I fell asleep crying. I woke up the next day with hopes that the previous night is just a nightmare that I can simply run away from. But I opened my laptop and saw our conversation history.

Sh/t, totoo nga.

I was so depressed that I have no appetite for anything. Everything I hear makes me want to cry. I abhorred love songs. I even cried during recitation on my commstrat class. F/ck, my mind wasn't on anything I did that day.

I told my friend Aira about it. It was so bad that I cried even before pouring out the whole story that she ended up crying too. Look what you've done, you ass.

After the night of December 10, I could have just given you up. I could have just said to myself that this will never work out and I would only end up getting hurt. I could have just told myself that what I have seen in the movies aren't real, that true love f/ckin hurts.

But I'm still here. Even until now. Even after a year.

Why?

Because I know that the're something more to this. That even if it f/ckin hurts, I should not give you up. That this could still work out if only I'll be a little more patient. That true love exists and I found it in you, and this is not quite the ending of the love story I have always prayed for.

I know there's something more in you.

Please let me feel it before it's too late.

I love you,

KC