I am using my so-called billable hours writing this blog post instead of doing something that would be beneficial to the organization I work for. That is exactly the reason why I am writing this blog post.
I've been into this company for three months already. In those three months I feel like I've aged twice, both mentally and physically, what now with these pimples on my forehead and veins on my hands that weren't existent at the start of the year. I've gained some, lost much, and am trying to evaluate what I have retained.
In three months.
This job is slowly killing every aspect of my life. Facebook is the only social life I have now. I spend half of a day at the office and the other half sleeping. As in wala na talaga akong buhay. My body clock is busted. Minsan tumatawa ako na "good morning" ang bati sa akin ng guards, yun pala morning na talaga. My brain cells are slowly being depleted. My sanity is being washed away. Buti pa yung Smurfs sa Smurfs' Village account ko, may variety sa work. Nakakasawa. Luwas on Mondays. Office. Uwi sa Dorm. Tulog. Gising. Gayak. Office. Next day. Uwi sa Dorm. Tulog. Repeat til fade.
Hindi ko alam kung nag-iinarte lang ako ngayon kasi first job ko to (technically) at lahat ng trabaho sa big, bad, and all things evil na corporate world e ganito naman talaga lalo na pag entry level.
Pero masama ba kung ikasasakit ng loob kong alienated ako sa trabaho ko? Tipong 'di ko talaga alam kung ano ang ginagawa ko dito. Kung may pakinabang ba talaga ako. Or if I am getting my education's worth. Or even my worth as a mortal.
Pero hindi ko na kasi alam kung ano dapat kong maramdaman e. Sa sobrang dami ng gusto kong ibulalas di ko na alam kung saan ko sisimulan. Kung magagalit ako, hindi ko alam kung kanino. Kanina umiyak ako ng todo, pero hindi ko ma-pinpoint kung bakit.
Pagod na ako. Gusto ko ng variety. Gusto ko ng something new. Out of the ordinary. Gusto kong mamundok, pumunta sa lugar na walang internet access at signal. Gusto kong madampian ng hangin ang mukha ko. Yung tipo ng lugar na naiimagine mo kapag recollection nung grade school. Gusto kong pumunta sa ganoong lugar. Kahit three days lang. Wala na akong pakialam sa sweldo. O kahit sa trabaho mismo.
Shet nasabi ko yon.
If there's something those three months taught me, it's the realization that there IS something worse than a heartbreak.
At the very least, you know why you cry during a heartbreak. Should there be blame, it's either you or the other party (hence, 'it's not you, it's me'). You know you're not the only person who got hurt. You know that crying over such an issue is not a silly thing to do because every person experienced that too at some point in their lives.
Most importantly, when your heart is broken, you know that at one point, that love was all you ever wanted. For that you were ready to risk anything, even the fact that it's possible for you to experience heartbreak in the future.
A heartbreak indicates that you felt like flying some time in the past. You were happy. You have been happy. Maybe even while you are mending a broken heart, you are still happy, happy that you got to experience all those things that only loving can make you feel.
This one's different. Entirely different. For one, this job requires kissing corporate asses for someone to get to the top. And fly, maybe.
Go ahead, put yourself in my geddemfrustrated shoes.
Then walk a mile in this job and you'll know what I mean.
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